Master of the Manly Arts

[Cross posted at Cranial Gunk.]

Sometimes when I hear talk of “manliness,”  Damon Wayans appears in my head wearing a ridiculously tiny bowler with David Alan Grier alongside him sporting the shiniest lip gloss. They’re the hosts of Men On Film, a “show that looks at movies from a male point of view.”

According to Wikipedia the Men On Film sketches on In Living Color split the gay community.  Some found them funny,  others believe they reinforced the “notion that black gay men are sissies, ineffectual, ineffective, womanish in a way that signifies inferiority."

Sometimes the mention of “manliness”brings forth visions of Tom Jones…

He is credited with inspiring the trend at some live shows where women toss their underwear at the lead singer. Is there a greater demonstration of manliness than having women throw their panties at you?

I mean aside from being Bruce…

His Way of the Dragon fight with Chuck Norris (another model of manliness) demonstrates the “art of manliness” on so many levels. I heard Chuck Norris in a Bruce Lee documentary praising Bruce’s set up of the fight scene. It’s set in the ruins of a Roman coliseum with him and Bruce as gladiators, fighting to the death.

The fact that it is an Asian man engaged in a gladiatorial battle with a hairy-chested Caucasian man among the ruins of a Roman coliseum (the seat of Western manliness) makes it an excellent PSA for the cause of Asian manliness in the Western world.

On a side note: It’s not winning the fight that makes him manly. It is the respect he shows his opponent. He gets ready to leave but turns back and gets emotional over his fellow warrior – Now, that’s manly! Not like the kill’em by the faceless numbers violence that dominates movies today.

I must admit I cringed when I first saw the title of Big WOWO’s Rice Daddy post on masculinity and manliness. There are two pervasive reasons I hesitate to join organizations and groups that identify themselves as Asian American: (1) I don’t want to sit around drinking beer with a bunch of Asian men whining about how American media has emasculated them and (2) I don’t want to site around drinking beer with a bunch of Asian guys whining about how Asian women won’t date them.

I don’t begrudge them their feelings. When I was young and single, I’d also been told by Asian women more often than not: “Sorry, I don’t date Chinese guys.” The rejection stung but I can’t say that it phased me. Maybe I was just too ignorant to understand that I should have been insulted by it. Or maybe it was because I grew up in culturally diverse New York City. For every Asian woman who didn’t “do Chinese” there was one who would. Better yet, the Chinese girl who didn’t date Chinese had a Puerto Rican friend and an African American friend and an Italian friend and so on who would. I love (and I learned to love in) New York.

I’m glad I didn’t let the title deter me. I went back as the opening lines of his post suggested and read his previous posts on masculinity and manliness and the some of comments readers left on each. On masculinity, I agree that emasculation is more often than not self inflicted. And on manliness, I agree it is a cultural construct. And I would add that neither definitions are fixed. 

For example, earrings in the 80s. Someone somewhere made up a rule that if the male of the species wore earrings, he was a sissy. And the rule caught on, until someone else somewhere else made up a rule that if the male of the species wore a single earring in his right ear, he could avoid being identified as a sissy, but if he wore it in his left…

Then still someone else in yet still another place decided that sissyness was avoided as long as the male of the species wore one earring (regardless of the side it was on) but if he had two earrings…

Do you see what I mean?

The Wall Street Journal  recently published an article about the popularity of the “wussified” man on network TV. The article was linked from an Ed Week blog called Why Boys Fail (which I thought was interesting).

When I think of the sissified man or the wussified man, I think of lessons to be learnt from The Magnificent Seven. In particular, the scene after the first fight between the Seven and the bandits. Charles Bronson’s character, Bernardo, is talking casually with a group of the village boys. A few begin chiming up about how they want to be brave gunfighters like Bernardo and not weak like their fathers who are just farmers. Bernardo throws the leader of the boys over his knee and spanks him. He scolds the boys saying he wished he had their fathers’ courage to work the land and take on the responsibility of providing for a family --

Don't you ever say that again about your fathers, because they are not cowards. You think I am brave because I carry a gun; well, your fathers are much braver because they carry responsibility, for you, your brothers, your sisters, and your mothers. And this responsibility is like a big rock that weighs a ton. It bends and it twists them until finally it buries them under the ground. And there's nobody says they have to do this. They do it because they love you, and because they want to. I have never had this kind of courage. Running a farm, working like a mule every day with no guarantee anything will ever come of it. This is bravery. That's why I never even started anything like that... that's why I never will.

So when I think of manliness, I turn off my cell phone and take a sick day to watch my kids in a school play. Or I stay in with them to watch cartoons on Netflix instead of going for drinks with friends. I think of all the things my dad was too busy or too tired to do with me and I ‘m grateful he forged the opportunities that give me time he didn’t have with me.

Animal Husbandry

[Cross Posted at Cranial Gunk.]

It began with a Tweet.

I had read Panda Dad’s “epilogue” and Tweeted that he had me “up until he decided to plug his friends’ book.”

He Tweeted back that he was concerned about the cheesiness of it too but really did believe in the worth of his friends’ book.

I Tweeted back “No worries. We’re on the same page (though I might be interpreting the text slightly different).”

And then he Tweeted back: “How?”

And then I stopped to think.

I wanted to Tweet back but I didn’t know how? I mean I knew how (sort of) but I didn’t know how to express it in the most accurate and least provocative way. I’ve filled pages with thoughts and feelings towards the Tigers and Pandas.

Jeff Yang in his Asian Pop column catalogues quite a few new species of animal-identified parent:

with the Tiger Mom meme having spawned a bestiary of wannabes -- panda dads, butterfly moms, elephant 'rents, bull parents and more -- why not lob another animal metaphor out there for consideration? Rice Daddies and other online social parenting havens are the ideal warrens for Meerkat Moms and Dads -- social animals linked by a vast series of tubes. And when prompted by one of our own, scanning the horizon, to something of interest to all, we pop up in quick succession to add our respective bits of chitter.

The National Wildlife Federation and Science Ray both have their own lists of “Top Dads” in the animal kingdom. Many of these dads go against the oversimplified and stereotypical belief of that the animal father is a deadbeat dad and philanderer. Most of the dads on these lists actively engage in the rearing of their offspring.

And I think -- as a starting point -- this is where the differences in interpretation are found -- within the cultural gender expectations of fatherhood. It is not so much in how we see ourselves (or desire to see ourselves) as fathers or the animals with whom we identify ourselves, but how those around us want to see us as fathers.

Having lived three years in China immersed in the domestic  culture of its families, Alan (Panda Dad) might be more Rice Daddy than me. I mean if it actually came down to a competition of who’s “ricier” his firsthand experiences of Chinese home life and habit are sure to have influenced him as a father (imbuing him with a certain “riceyness”). Just as my experiences Second Generation Chinese raising my Third Generation kids in American culture have influenced my beliefs as a father (possibly reducing my “riceyness” to a degree).

When my grandmother died I lost more than just homemade dim sum and smelly bitter homebrewed cold remedies. I lost my connection to traditional (for lack of a better word) Chinese holidays and social courtesies – Kwaigeui as she would say in Cantonese.

It’s not culture (mahnfa). It’s not as high brow as that. It’s something more ordinary and day-to-day (gaandaan).  It is the manner in which children greet their parents and their parents’ friends – Of how and what they play together -- And most importantly (at least in this conversation) what is expected of them as children, as adults, and as parents.

The world at large has created molds in which Alan and I must fit into as fathers regardless of the costs. They have expectations of our children – children of a Chinese father do A, B, C, and D, while children of a Caucasian father do E, F, and G. And while we can fight them, their sheer number guarantees them victory. But while they are winning the war now, it doesn’t mean a battle isn’t won here and there and with each little break we make in the line tomorrow might see an end to the stereotypes and antiquated assumptions about fatherhood.

From what I’ve read about the Tiger Mom’s and Panda Dad’s books their value is not how they described their childrearing formula BUT how we have reacted to it. I haven’t read  either books yet. I want to wait just a little bit longer for the hype to die down so I can approach both works with an objective head. Right now, I can’t help wondering what the reaction would have been if the Panda were the Tiger and the Tiger were the Panda?

Time Out for GLEE!

Introducing Kellen Mirador Sarmiento! As a parent, when/if your child's video goes viral, there must be a feeling of glee, yet also a bit of trepidation, especially if one starts going through the comments. These parents were smart, because it looks like they created a new account with just this one video. The original video must have gotten millions of hits and hundred of comments, too. UNLESS, this was their first video upload to YouTube, and it became an instant sensation? Nah...




As for the show, Glee, my son also really enjoyed this number, and we watched it a number of times. We never let him watch the show because of its content, but TiVo'd and previewed each episode before deciding whether to show some of the singing and dancing routines or not. But, as the show went on, we showed him less and less, and eventually, one or two numbers. We wound up watching NBCs, The Sing-Off, which also had great singing and dancing. The great thing was having to worry about fast-forwarding or explaining anything that might not be age-appropriate, except maybe some lyrics if he was listening really closely. ;)

Is it harder or easier to grow up as a kid nowadays? This dad keeps wondering...

Best wishes to Kellen and Family. A happy kid = a happy family! :)

Left by the Ship

LEFT BY THE SHIP trailer English from visitorq on Vimeo.

This just came through my Facebook feed, and I wanted to share it with anyone who might possibly be able to catch this screening tonight at 10PM in New Jersey (or on July 9th in LA).

It's a film titled Left by the Ship, and it's about the children of Filipina sex workers and American servicemen who were stationed at Subic Bay, Philippines. The film's title is a translation of a derogatory Filipino term for these kids: "iniwan ng barko." Not surprisingly, the children of African American officers face some of the worst discrimination. In this trailer, one beautiful teenager talks about how she wasn't allowed to take part in games or contests because her skin was too dark and her hair was curly. To add insult to injury, Filipino Amerasians were never recognized by the US government, unlike Amerasian children from other countries.

Tonight's screening is a part of the Hoboken Film Festival, and will take place at 10PM in Teaneck, NJ. The next screening is at: Aritvist Film Festival, Hollywood, CA on July 9th at 8 pm at the Egyptian Theatre.

Click here for more information about the film

Interesting article...

Just wanted to pass on an interesting article I just read regarding Asians in America, written by Wesley Yang:

http://nymag.com/news/features/asian-americans-2011-5/

Tiger Mother’s Day Celebration

How concerned should I be that without the creepy music and with the substitution of an event more benign and commonplace Mrs. Bates sounds like my mother (or any Tiger Mom)?

I couldn’t feasibly write about Mother’s Day this year without mentioning the Tiger Mother.

I joke that my mother and I cannot spend more than two hours in a room together before we start arguing. I like to say that my mother are alike in all the wrong ways and I am like my father in all the right ways (my mother divorced my father when I started college).

Mother’s Day makes me think of James Cagney standing tall atop a fiery oil tank in White Heat – Triumphant despite the facts – Boom!

The other thing that comes to mind is that “Mother’s song.” The one that goes, “M is for the million things she gave me…” The one I don’t know the rest of the words to.

According to Wikipedia, the phrase “Mother’s Day” was trademarked in 1912, making the singular possessive “Mother’s” the official way to spell “Mother’s Day.” On Mother’s Day we recognize mothers and thank them for the “million things.”

I posted some thoughts on these “things” on my blog: Click Here.

GET OUT YOUR HANKIES

Geena Davis on the Effects of Gender Inequality on TV and in Movies

In today's issue of the Wall Street Journal, Geena Davis talks about why she founded the Geena Davis Institute on Gender in Media and how gender inequality on television and in movies has a powerful impact on kids. I couldn't find the following quote in the video, nor on the WSJ website, but it appeared on page R11 of today's print edition:

The more hours of television a girl watches, the fewer options she believes she has in life. And the more hours a boy watches, the more sexist his views become.

She also goes on to say,

Negative images can powerfully affect boys and girls, but positive images have the same kind of impact. We know that if girls can see characters doing unstereotyped kinds of occupations and activities, they're much more likely as an adult to pursue unusual and outside-the-box occupations. I really believe that if you can see it, you can be it.

She says a lot of great things in this interview, and none of this is news to us of course. But I post this here in the hope that we can see her initiative as an example of how Asian-Americans might approach the Writers Guild, Animators Guild, and the Casting Directors Guild. I'd like to think that if we presented the facts derived from such research, then perhaps we'd be a step closer to advocating for positive, non-stereotypical portrayals of Asian-Americans in the media.

Imagine if we applied her sentiments to the portrayal of Asians in the media:

The more hours of television a young Asian-American child watches, the fewer options s/he believes s/he has in life. And the more hours a white kid watches, the more racist his views become.

Negative images can powerfully affect boys and girls, but positive images have the same kind of impact. We know that if an Asian-American child can see characters doing unstereotyped kinds of occupations and activities, they're much more likely as an adult to pursue unusual and outside-the-box occupations. I really believe that if you can see it, you can be it.

With that in mind, I hope you are all aware of www.racebending.com and their campaign to avert the whitewashing of the live-action version of Akira.

Canine Dad

Cross-posted at Noraebang

I'm not just a dad to girls. I'm a dad to a girl dog.

A lot of dog owners wonder why Korean dog owners raise such delicious, eh, I mean highly successful dogs. They wonder what these dog owners do to hone so many brilliant dogs, what it’s like in the homes and kennels of these families, and if they could do it, too. Well, I can tell them, because I’ve done it. Here are some things that my dog, Boshintang, has never been allowed to do:

1. Have a doggie sleep over

2. Not go to the doggie park

3. Whimper about having to go to doggie park

4. Play any sport other than swimming, running, frisbee, or ball

5. Whimper about not being able to play any other sport

6. Eat cheap-brand food

7. Whimper about not eating cheap-brand food

8. Watch any TV other than Dog Whisperer

I’m using the term “Korean” loosely. I know some Jewish, Australian, and German dog owners that qualify too. Conversely, I know some Korean dog owners (particularly in the vapid pod culture of Seoul today) that are not KOREAN dog owners. Dog owners come in all shapes and sizes; particularly lazy ones, who tend to come in round shapes.

Some dog owners who think they’re being strict are actually being pretty lame excuses for dog owners. For example, we encounter many dog owners at the neighborhood dog park who think they are pretty good at training dogs, but in reality they gives up training when their dogs don’t respond after a few times.

“Well, maybe the dog is just tired today.”

“Well, maybe he / she doesn’t like doing that activity.”

For Korean dog owners, that’s just not good enough. Dog does, or else. Soup time. We never give up.

Despite our reluctance and gruffness in response to “don’t Koreans eat dogs” stereotype, we just look at the stats of Korean dog owners versus Western dog owners. Western dog owners want to be their dogs friend and nearly 70% said that they don’t think stressing good behavior in dogs is a good thing because it takes away from the dog’s playfulness. In contrast, nearly 0% of Korean dog owners felt the same way.

Dog is NOT my friend. I am alpha dog. Dog is my bitch.

Additionally, Korean dog owners believe that doggie excellence is a direct reflection of dog owner excellence. If the dog doesn’t do things successfully, then there is something wrong with the owner. Korean dog owners spend nearly 10 times as long per day drilling dogs into ball retrieving machines. Dogs raised by Western owners are more likely to chase their own tails in circles, or sniff other dogs’ rears for endless amounts of time in a thing Western dog owners call the “getting-to-know-you” game.

If Boshi lingers too long at the poop chute of another dog, she hears a loud “Boshi, leave it!” She is expected to turn her nose at the bouquet and trot back in order to retrieve yet another ball.

What Korean dog owners understand is that nothing is fun until you’re good at it. Games are for losers who earn participation awards. This requires a certain mental fortitude in the owner because many dogs will just turn their noses and refuse to fetch. Some will look at the obstacle and refuse to jump over it, or worse, some dogs will just refuse to sit. But, the persistence of the dog owner in making the dog accomplish these tasks will eventually lead to the dog earning praise and thus becoming a happier dog because it is receiving praise for doing something well. This in turn makes it easier on the dog owner to take the training to the next level.

Korean dog owners can also get away with things that Western dog owners can’t. For the most part, people at your local dog park speak English and maybe some Spanish. Since these are commonly understood languages, you can’t easily say anything mean-spirited under your breath. But, Korean dog owners speak…you guessed it: Korean. That means we can tell our dog things that nobody else will understand. In fact, we might even mumble something about your dog under our breath in Korean that will make you wonder if we’ve insulted your dog.

바보!

And, we’ll be looking in your general direction while pointing at your dog to make you wonder if we’re talking about your dog, you, or both you and your dog.

We are often ostracized for calling our dog names in front of other people, and some dog owners will just walk away quietly and remove their dog from earshot. However, some dog owners will become confrontational and will reprimand you for treating your dog in such a poor manner. They’ll claim that you must be softer and gentler with your dog. Meanwhile, their dog is humping another dog behind a tree.

Korean dog owners can demand the dog to do something. Western dog owners can only ask their dog to try their best not to screw things up. Korean dog owners can brag about all the tricks and things their dog can do. Western dog owners can only make excuses about how their dog “just won’t listen” or “doesn’t like to play that way” or “has never been good at ball.” Western dog owners will forever question their own dog-owner skills and quietly persuade themselves that they’re not disappointed that their dog can’t do back flips to catch a ball in midair.

Most Western dog owners are concerned about their dog’s self-esteem. First of all, a dog is a dog. A dog’s self-esteem is tied to it’s ability to do things. If you treat it like a poor helpless creature, it will begin to act like a poor helpless creature. On the other hand, Korean dog owners believe that dogs are resilient and tough animals. Korean dog owners assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.

For example, if a dog can’t perform a trick after a few training sessions, the Western dog owner will still praise the animal for trying their best, but most likely will then enroll that dog into a doggie training school. Then, when the dog earns a graduation certificate for completing the doggie training class the Western dog owner will again praise that dog for doing its best. If there are problems that persist, the Western dog owner will challenge the dog trainer that they hired for incompetence despite having to hire the dog trainer in the first place for their own incompetence.

If Boshi ever didn’t do a trick right or didn’t listen – which would almost never happen – there would first be a very low angry yell which would crescendo into a ear-splitting scream. Then, Boshi would be forced to sit and jump over an obstacle again and again until she got it right. Meanwhile, everyone else at our local dog park would stare at me expecting demon horns to sprout from my head.

Korean dog owners demand so much from their dogs because they believe their dogs can deliver. The Korean dog owner believes that their dog is tough enough to take the constant training. Secondly, the Korean dog owner believes that their dog owes them everything.

Boshi, you bad dog. I rescued your lonely dog butt from the pound. You must obey and you must repay. When I am old and can barely walk, you will pull my wheel chair and bring me soju. This is the Korean way.

Third, Korean dog owners know what is best for their dog and can therefore override any wishes or puppy eyes and begging a dog may give. Western dog owners will often say, “well, it’s just a dog.”

Not an option.

At the local dog park, we encounter Western dog owners all the time.

Many of the dog owners are sweet people. That doesn’t always mean they’re good dog owners.

But, many of them just give up or have an attitude of confusion when it comes to their dogs. They don’t understand why their dog won’t always listen, or why their dog won’t do certain things.

There have been many times where I’ve had to step in and tell a dog “NO” because its owner refuses to step in and discipline the dog. A passing dog owner remarked “Bet that dog’s never heard that word before.”

I’ve been scratched in the middle of a dog fight where I reached in and put the dog down on its side until it calmed down. When Nae Yujah asked if I was okay and if the dog bit me the owner, who was starting to slowly walk over after I had already diffused the situation said, “Our dog doesn’t bite. He has papers.”

Just the other day a woman with two small Schnauzers in the big dog park wouldn’t tell her dogs to stop yipping at the big dogs who were rolling around wrestling and playing. Finally, I sat down next to her and just started disciplining her dogs until they started to bark less and less. One of them even jumped up on the bench next to me and sat down. Did the owner say anything? No, she just sat there with a feeble smile on her face.

I’ve grabbed dogs, pulled dogs, disciplined dogs, and yelled at dogs of Western dog owners who do things in their lazy “but my dog is my best friend” attitude. I’ve particularly found that this applies to Western dog owners with small dogs who see them as no threat. Yet, big dog owners are just as culpable.

One couple brings their dogs to the park regularly and continues to try training their one dog to drop the ball. Snow Girl just walks up to the dog and the dog drops the ball in front of her. Nae Yujah walks up and demands the ball and the dog will drop the ball. I’ll walk up to the dog and he’ll sit, lie down, and drop the ball as he rolls onto his back. All of this without me saying anything.

They are amazed that we can get the dog to do these things. They’ve called me “dog whisperer” to which I shrug off. I watch that show because he knows what he is doing. He demands respect, and he gets it.

But, I’m no dog whisperer. He has that title.

I’m more like Dog Dundee. Without the big knife. Without the goofy hat. And, I’m Korean, not Australian. And, I don’t wear leather pants…look, just forget the analogy.

I’m like the Korean Dog Whisperer.

But, I shrug off the their comments because it isn’t about watching the show as much as it is about knowing you can control the dog. The dog must obey.

I don’t believe in babying a dog. I believe you have to prepare your dog for the future and any obstacle they might have to encounter. Boshi needs to understand that she needs to be prepared for different waves, different lakes, and different lands. She needs to be able to sit, lie, and fetch in any situation. She needs to know how to jump over walls or jump over hedges. If I don’t prepare her for the unknown, then how will she survive if she ever gets lost?

Some people don’t understand this and will claim I’m just being too harsh, or I’m overly praising myself. I’m just trying to explain what I do as an Asian dog owner that works. Don’t criticize me. Don’t hate.

It’s not like I’m some Tiger Mom.

I don't mean to offend you but...

Why is that when someone, usually someone who doesn't know you that well (or really at all for that matter), prefaces a statement with "I don't mean to offend you but..." they usually succeed in doing the very thing that they told you they're not going to do? Serenity now!

So here’s the setup: at a kid’s birthday party, I strike up a conversation with one of the other parents about pre-school…

OtherParent: “How many days a week does your daughter go to the other pre-school?”

Me: “Well, she goes to [the Japanese language] pre-school two days a week and she goes to [the bilingual Montessori] pre-school two days a week.”

Without missing a beat, OtherParent says: “I don’t mean to offend you but…”

What OtherParent proceeded to tell me (in about the most directive way possible) was that the decision to have our daughter attend two different schools was, well, wrong. Talk about a conversation stopper. I decided to take the bait anyway and rolled with the resistance. “What do you mean by that?” I asked (suppressing the urge to raise my voice).

OtherParent’s point was two-fold: (1) that it’s too confusing to have my child learn two different languages at the same time (too bad, she’s learning three since I also speak Spanish); (2) that OtherParent would feel badly about my daughter losing the ability to speak with my wife’s parents (wait, what about my Korean-speaking parents!?).

Much like my initial response to Alexandra Wallace’s “so we know I'm not the most politically correct person, so don't take this offensively…” YouTube video, I was pissed off. But you know? That anger has given way to firm resolve (I mean, don’t look back in anger, right?)

First, OtherParent was wrong. Bilingualism is, in fact, good for the brain. Research shows that speaking more than one language helps with multi-tasking, prioritizing information in potentially confusing situations, and helps ward off early symptoms of Alzheimer’s in the elderly. Not to mention, that bilingualism helps me communicate with my daughter because her Japanese got chotto better than mine after she turned two (sugoi ne).

Second, in any language, my in-laws and my own parents are good people. Yes, I was forced to go to Korean school (even though I would have preferred to fill my pie hole with sugary breakfast cereals while killing brain cells watching cartoons) on Saturday mornings, but I was also instructed repeatedly as a child to be an “All-American” boy (and given the freedom to figure out what that means on my own). Time has either made my parents soft or time has made my parents realize that there isn’t a whole lot of time (left). So for what does that leave time? Simply put, time for agape.

So where do we go from here? Well, my daughter is going to stay at her two different pre-schools because frankly, she digs it and she learns different skills at both schools. And besides, as my hero, Phil Dunphy from Modern Family, said:

"We like to think we’re so smart, that we have all the answers. And we want to pass that on to our children. But if you scratch beneath the surface, you won’t have to dig deep to find the kid you were, which is why it’s kind of crazy that we’re raising kids of our own. I guess that’s the real circle of life. Your parents faked their way through it. You fake your way through it. And you just hope you didn’t raise a serial killer."

Amen and thanks for the opportunity to post my (virgin) musings with you, my Rice Daddies brethren.