Monday, March 26, 2007

Any Day Now

I can't believe my wife is at 38 weeks now and the baby could be born any day. She is still growing and her breasts are getting more sore. She says she is feeling like a ripe fruit ready to go. Haha, don't ask me why I wrote that, but she says it a lot to me. The nursery is about done, and we are just waiting for some last minute furniture items. Everytime I get a call from her at work on my cellphone, I answer wondering if it is the call of "I'm in labor, come home quick!!!" In the fashion of fellow blogger Henri, here are possible scenarios:

Me: This is my hand and this is the speculum
Female Patient: Ouch, are you supposed to be in my rectum?
Me: Oh gees, sorry, umm, let me reposition the speculum.
Female Patient: You're doing a pap smear right?
Me: That's right, I got it now.
(My Phone Vibrates)
Me: Oh gees, hold on.
Female Patient: Umm, can you hurry, this is a litle uncomfortable.
Me: Hold on, (I answer the phone), Hello honey
Wife: Honey, hurry, I just broke my bag of water
Me: Woo hoo, I am on my way!
(I hang up phone, which then slips out of my hand into the patient's vagina)
Female Patient: What was that?
Me: Umm, this is a new medical device which checks the cervix.
Patient: Is it supposed to vibrate?
(Patient squeezes thighs together and shoots out the cellphone hitting me in the forehead.(okay, that really can't happen, but let's pretend))
Me: Got to run, wife in labor, laters.

Other scenario:
Me: Okay, this will be a quick prostate/rectal exam.
Male patient: Oh man, I hate this part of the exam.
Me: Trust me, its not the most favorite part of my job. Okay, here we go.
(My right finger in patient's rectum, cellphone goes off. I try grabbing phone with left hand)
Me: Hello honey.
Male patient: Hey, your finger is still in my butthole.
Me: Hold on one second and take some deep breaths or something.
Wife: Honey, come home quick, I broke my bag of water.
Me: Oh gees, I'll be right there.
(I try to close phone and it drops and I stupidly try to pick it up smashing my face into patient's hairy butt cheek)
Male patient: Hey, what are you doing?
Me: Um, I am trying to listen for your heartbeat in your buttcheek. Its a new physical exam test. Your prostate feels fine and good buttcheek heartbeat, but shave the hair. Gotta run.
(Patient farts and blows my finger out!!!)

Anyways, of course, these are worse case scenarios. Let's hope my wife goes into labor late at night while I am at home, but I guess you just never know. Either way, we are totally excited and just hope for a quick and least painful labor. Its the beauty of the epidural!!!


Anonymous said...

HAHAHA thanks for the chuckles, Im sure you will do fine.

dave wallis said...

OK, FREAK SHOW, how do you think this way. I'll not call you during business hours ever lest you leave a speculum or YOUR OWN FINGER in someone else's orifice!

Darryl said...


it's like that when you don't

see a doctor 'til you actually

see a doctor...otherwise it's once

a year the butthole fingering..

pregnancy is evasive/nonevasive

until delivery-time-hang in there!

ha ha

Henri said...

"In the fashion of fellow blogger Henri..."

Whoa...don't get me involved in this. I stopped doing pap smears during my eye exams years ago.


My wife gave birth last to all you soon to be Dads...


daddy in a strange land said...

Henri, dude! I was wondering if the new spawn had arrived, since you've been uncharacteristically quiet on both blogs as of late. Congrats, dude! Can't wait to hear more. :)

And dude, Dr. Lo--if I didn't know you in real life, you'd creep me the fuck out, yo. Heh. ;)

tanilan said...

That just made me spit coffee all over my computer!


Mama Nabi said...

Ah, yes but the epidural can also fail to function properly if it swings out of place (which is why I reluctantly had all-natural labor). But don't tell your wife about that possibility...
Congratulations. Now, off to cross your name off the list of possible family physicians... :-D

SoulSnax said...

oh what a relief it is to see that there are other Rice Daddies here with the same sick sense of humor as mine! Welcome :)