Thursday, December 21, 2006

Can We Talk About Anything Other Than Race?

Ancient Asian Secrets: The secret world of a secret race. A Primer for Some Places in America.

10. Are all Asians the same? The single most horrible story about absolute utter indefensible ignorance that I have ever heard takes place in an undergraduate sociology class at UC Berkeley for god sake. This is hearsay, since it was recounted to me by my wife. During a discussion section for a sociology course at UC Freaking Berkeley, a student asked the following question:

“How do Asian parents know what their kids are when they’re born?”

Ok try to think about that question. What could she possibly be asking? I’ll repeat the question.

“How do Asian parents know what their kids are when they’re born?”

Ok let’s probe. Ummm what the hell are you asking?

“I mean, how do the parents know if their kid comes out Japanese or Chinese?”

You have got to be pulling my leg. Are you serious? Are you actually wondering if a Chinese Mom and a Chinese Dad have a baby, what RACE ETHNICITY the child will be? Do you not understand Race? Ethnicity? Genetics? Do you think it’s random? Are we a magical people? How the hell did you get into Berkeley?!

Ok now wait a second. Somewhere, in America, somewhere, there is somebody reading this that is saying….”I can’t wait to hear the answer”

The answer is…You have to let the Doctor tell you.

9. Why are Asians so smart? Asians are not smart. Asians get good grades. Big difference. How do they get such good grades? That’s like asking someone how come their kids are so good at not robbing stores.

“Hey Jim, you know I really got to compliment you on your kids. Man I’ve known them since they were still in diapers. Tell me a secret. How did you raise them to not rob liquor stores? I really got to know your secret. Is it genetic?”

If you think it is as important for your child to get an A as it is to not rob a liquor store…believe me they’re gonna get A’s. In my house getting a B is like robbing a liquor store. No I’m not kidding. Getting a B is throwing your future away. Think about that. Will you let your kid throw their future away? Of course not. The simple formula works. Get good grades, go to college, get good grades, go to grad school, get good grades, get paid 6 figures, THEN do whatever the hell you want and thank me later. A man can give up everything and pursue his dream at the age of 30. There’s plenty of life to live at the age of 30. Get your MD, OD, DO, PharmD, JD, MBA, PHD or any combination of the above and then be a bad ass and throw it all away to join the circus…it’s a better story that way. Until then shut up and study. (I had really crappy grades by the way, like 3.9999999999999999999999999997 <--------- Ouch! Damn PE)

8. Hmmm I think I ran out of stereotypes. Someone throw me a stereotype. No not driving. Don’t bring up driving. The Japanese invented Drifting so don’t bring up driving. Car culture in Southern California is driven by minorities, Asians, Latinos, African Americans. These kids can drive. Why their parents can’t…hell I don’t know. But it’s NOT genetic. Nor cultural. In fact have you ever driven in Seoul? It’s like driving in Rome…those guys are freaking nuts. You need serious driving skill to keep up in these cities.

7. Karate. Yes it’s true all Asians know karate. Except for the ones that know Kung-Fu. Or Hapkido. Or Jeet Kun What. Or Aikido. Or Ryukyo Kempo. Or SF2Turbo Fighting Edition.

6. Take off your shoes. Would you lick the bottom of your shoe? Why not? What? Because what? Because it’s dirty? Damn right it’s dirty. Take your damn shoes off.

5. Asian Men aren’t sexy. How the hell would I know?

4. Asian women are HOT. YES!

3. Asian women are subservient. Um look at my shirt. You know why it looks like crap? Because I ironed it myself. Any other questions?

2. Asians get red when they drink. You know it’s really funny how people associate getting red with getting drunk. “Man DUDE you are SOOOOooooo RED! Are you OK????” Hell yeah I’m red. I get red instantly. Alcohol dehydrogenase and it’s mutant variant being unable to bind with cofactor nicotinamide adenine dinucleotide and all that crap. But I am not drunk. I used to keep a running count in college about how many comments I would get in one night. The average was in the 20’s, the highs were in the 60’s. Even fellow Asians. Duuuuude you are so Red! And why does everyone call me dude? I mean seriously, I know I’m from California right, but I get called Dude more than the average Californian in California. Just look at the comments I get here in RiceDaddies. Dude this and Dude that. Whatsupwiththat? It is absolutely true that a lot of Asians get red. This is not a myth. It just doesn’t bother me. Like most Koreans, I got over it by the end of grade school.

1. Asian men make good dads. That’s right ladies. Asian men make great dads! Hahahahaha MY ASS! I work too hard. And I’m narcissistic. Here I am on a Dad forum just posting random crap as usual. Where the hell is the parenting content in this post? I’m so gonna be the first dad kicked off the island. Son I love you! I love you son! Study hard boy!


Henri said...

Man I am senile. My wife just corrected me that the story about the girl asking how Asian parent know what race their kids are was from an article she read in the East Bay Express rather than her own personal experience. It was at Cal but was some class for Athletes and not a sociology course.

Dave said...

Awesome blog Henri! It's great to see an Asian-American dad speaking his mind. Very encouraging! I am adding this to the Asian-Americans Spot over at Fanpop. You should add any other great blogs or Asian-American sites that you think highly of there as well.

Henri said...

Um it's not my blog Dave. I'm just living in it. But thanks.

Anonymous said...

If asked how I know what my kid is when (they're) born, I would've answered "If I look down yonder and I see something pointing out, it's a boy. Otherwise, it's a girl."


Anonymous said...

Let's not forget that Asian is a race, while Chinese, Japanese, etc. are ethnicities within that race.

honglien123 said...

Dude, I say dude because all my friends say it. I'm unoriginal and was coerced and brainwashed at a young age. Kind of like how I was brainwashed into thinking I was a complete and abject failure for that B+ I got in Trig. I haven't gotten over that B+...thanks for the reminder. :sigh: Life definitely went downhill from there.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said...

I have an apology to all people who are minorities on my website because I know at some point I just might have or will in the future say something wrong.

Arnold Speaks to Minorities

Anonymous said...

whoa! did Arnold the Governator just spam us?

daddy in a strange land said...

Okay, that Arnold thing is pretty damn funny... :)

Henri said...

I'm still laughing.

InstantYang said...

Dude, that was funny, dude. Happy holidudes, mein fellow Rice Dudies!

instant yang, who IS doing the santa thing this year, hoo boy

Mama Nabi said...

Dude. That whole good grade thing? There's nothing like a fear-induced 4.0 GPA. Talk about stress-level. And the red=alcohol factor is the reason I have to drink a lot - the first couple drinks turn my face red but the third onward drains the blood... just to shut people up from asking me if I'm okay, I have to pound the drinks. D'oh.
And, dude, I WAS surprised when LN came out half Korean.
Oh, and have you seen Yul lately? Asian men ARE sexy. Dude.