Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Damn you Sam Wan Part Deux

Note: This post will be posted on Sept 20 2006 and is time-machined back to 2005 because it's so damn long I wanted it linkable. This is the cheat sheet that I lovingly made to help you complete the Sam Wan Super Quiz. No one will beat my score.

1) What is your gender? (Please note that if you are not male, you are not eligible to participate in this study.)

Male (Dude you totally gave away the answer to that one)

2) With which Asian American group do you most identify?

East Asian American

3) According to your answer above, please specify the ethnic group or groups with which you most identify (e.g., Filipino American, Chinese American, Vietnamese American).


4) What is your age?


5) What is your generational status?

1st generation (you immigrated to the U.S. at any age)

6) Which of the following sexual orientations best describe you?


7) What is your relationship status?

Gay mostly unless we fight, then I'm sad

8) What is the highest level you completed in school?

Graduate DegreeS (Hellloooo I'm Asian)

9) What is your annual combined household income ($)?

210K milliongajillion+ (see number 8)

10) How did you hear about this study?

Rice Daddies, Bitch

11) You hear about a racially motivated murder of an Asian American man.

What the FUCK?! Someone grab my tabi socks, I'm gonna get feudal on somone's ass.

12) You hear that Asian Americans are not significantly represented in management positions.

Management?! Asian companies always have only one employee and that's the owner. Slave family resources are always off the books.

13) You are told that Asians have assertiveness problems.

Fuck You

14) You notice that Asian characters in American TV shows either speak bad or heavily accented English.

Every time I see Scooby-Doo I break a TV

15) You notice that in American movies, male Asian leading characters never engage in physical contact (kissing, etc.) with leading female characters even when the plot would seem to call for it.

Romeo must Die Must Die, but with like X-ray vision shots of bones breaking. That was hella cool.

16) Someone tells you that the kitchens of Asian families smell and are dirty.

Kimchee should be liberated. Don't hide your Kimchee, let it breathe damnit!

17) You notice that U.S. history books offer no information of the contributions of Asian Americans.

Cerritos has produced the world's greatest Poker Players.

18) You see a TV commercial in which an Asian character speaks bad English and acts subservient to non-Asian characters.

Ancient Chinese F-You

19) You hear about an Asian American government scientist held in solitary confinement for mishandling government documents when his non-Asian coworkers were not punished for the same offence.

That dude needs to be more assertive.

20) You learn that Asian Americans historically were targets of racist actions

Wait a sec, you mean Camp could possibly have been racially motivated? Holy Shit.

21) You learn that most non-Asian Americans are ignorant of the oppression and racial prejudice Asian Americans have endured in the U.S.

See number 20

22) At a restaurant you notice that a White couple who came in after you is served before you.

Yeah, but they get the English menu. Hahaha and don't even think of stepping foot into a Korean restaurant without at least 1 Korean or seriously you are TOTALLY screwed. Am I wrong?

23) You learn that, while immigration quotas on Asian peoples were severely restricted until the latter half of the 1900s, quotas for European immigrants were not.

Gold Mountain was Full

24) Someone tells you that it's the Blacks that are the problem, not the Asians.

Go on...

25) A student you do not know asks you for help in math.

$100 Bitch (see number 9)

26) Someone tells you that they heard that there is a gene that makes Asians smart.

It's called beatthelivingshitoutofyouifyougetaB at locus 34.

27) Someone asks you if you know his or her Asian friend/coworker/classmate.

Is his name Yourmom?

28) Someone assumes that they serve dog meat in Asian restaurants.

Not during the Olympics.

29) Someone tells you that your Asian American female friend looks just like Connie Chung.

What you mean like a bad singer?

30) Someone you do not know speaks slow and loud at you.

Lo siento, no entiendo bitch

31) Someone asks you if all your friends are Asian Americans.

No, they're just straight Asian.

32) Someone asks you if you can teach him/her karate.

Step 1: Must Close Your Eyes...
Step 2: HiYa Sucker!

33) Someone tells you that all you people are all the same.


34) Someone tells you that all Asian people look alike.

Shut up Jeff

35) Someone tells you that Asian Americans are not targets of racism.

Shut up Hollywood

36) Someone you do not know asks you to help him/her fix his/her computer.

See number 25

37) You are told that "you speak English so well."

You speak Klan purdy good too

38) Someone asks you what your real name is.

Yourmom Kim

39) You are asked where you are really from.

Dingle Bitch

40) In general, I believe that Anglo-Americans (Whites) are superior to other racial groups.

At sunburning yes.

41) I feel more comfortable being around Anglo American (Whites) than I do being around people of my own race.

When I'm in a hotdog eating contest, yes.

42) In general, people of my race have not contributed very much to American society.

What?! Can you say Hyundai? No you said it wrong. Really you did.

43) Sometimes, I am embarrassed to be the race I am.

Only when I see Kim Jong-Il's K-fro.

44) I would have accomplished more in life if I had been born an Anglo-American (White).

Hahahhaha see number 9

45) Anglo-Americans (Whites) are more attractive than people of my race.

No you didn't just ask that.

46) People of my race should learn to think and act like Anglo-Americans (Whites).

Greek System Ruuuulz!

47) I limit myself to "White" activities.

ummm? Beer Pong?

48) I think racial minorities blame Anglo-Americans (Whites) too much for their problems.

I blame Jack Daniels for all kinds of shit.

49) I feel unable to involve myself in Anglo-Americans' (Whites') experiences, and am increasing my involvement in experiences involving people of my race.

See number 10

50) When I think about how Anglo-Americans (Whites) have treated people of my race, I feel an overwhelming anger.

I will wait until Survivor:Klans is over before answering this question.

51) I want to know more about my culture.

This is a trick question and you know it.

52) I limit myself to activities involving people of my own race.

See number 10

53) Most Anglo-Americans (Whites) are untrustworthy.

See number 50

54) American society would be better off if it were based on the cultural values of
my people.

What? Fighting, Drinking, Poetry and Good grades? Oh and Pathos, unbearable pathos.

55) I am determined to find my cultural identity.

See number 51

56) Most Anglo-Americans (Whites) are insensitive.

See number 50

57) I reject all Anglo-American (White) values.

Wait a second, is Bourbon a value? I think it is...my answer to this question is NO.

58) My most important goal in life is to fight the oppression of my people.

You're getting a bit pushy here. How long is this damn quiz. I'm so gonna get an A.

59) I believe that being from my cultural background has caused me to have many

Drinking, Fighting, Peotry, Pathos, check check check check

60) I am comfortable wherever I am.

I'm easy.

61) People, regardless of their race, have strengths and limitations.

Boy do they.

62) I think people of my culture and the White culture differ from each other in some ways, but neither group is superior.

Wait there is that sunburning thing I mentioned earlier. I would definitely lose in a sunburning contest.

63) My cultural background is a source of pride to me.

Trick question.

64) People of my culture and White culture have much to learn from each other.

All of the above

65) Anglo-Americans (Whites) have some customs that I enjoy.

Making fun of other races! Good clean hilarious fun!

66) I enjoy being around people regardless of their race.

As long as they're Korean

67) Every racial group has some good people and some bad people.

Good Koreans: Me

Bad Koreans: Me + Whisky

68) Minorities should not blame Anglo-Americans (Whites) for all of their social problems.

Give me a C! Give me an A! Give me an M! Give me a P! What's that spell? Oh shit.

69) I do not understand why Anglo-Americans (Whites) treat minorities as they do.

Dear Jeff...

70) I am embarrassed about some of the things I feel about my people.

Damn this quiz is long.

71) I'm not sure where I really belong.

I belong in a bar. Like right now cuz this test is fricking LONG.

72) I have begun to question my beliefs.

...in starting this quiz. Damnit End already!

73) Maybe I can learn something from people of my race.

Are you still reading this???

74) Anglo-American (White) people can teach me more about surviving in this world than people of my own race can, but people of my race can teach me more about being human.

See number 50

75) I don't know whether being the race I am is an asset or a deficit.

It got me into Rice Daddies didn't it?

76) Sometimes I think Anglo-Americans (Whites) are superior and sometimes I think they're inferior to people of my race.

What a whimpy question. This must have been written by an unassertive asian.

77) Sometimes I am proud of the racial group to which I belong and sometimes I am ashamed of it.

See number 76

78) Thinking about my values and beliefs takes up a lot of my time.

This goddamned quiz takes up a lot of my damn time!

79) I'm not sure how I feel about myself.

...for taking this damn quiz.

80) White people are difficult to understand.


81) I find myself replacing old friends with new ones who are from my culture.


82) I feel anxious about some of the things I feel about people of my race.


83) When someone of my race does something embarrassing in public, I feel


84) When both White people and people of my race are present in a social situation, I prefer to be with my own racial group.


85) My values and beliefs match those of Anglos (Whites) more than they do people of my race.


86) The way Anglos (Whites) treat people of my race makes me angry.


87) I only follow the traditions and customs of people of my racial group.


88) When people of my race act like Anglos (Whites) I feel angry.


89) I am comfortable being the race I am.

Not anymore you bastard

90) One should recognize and adhere to social expectations, norms and practices.

Like not sharing answers to this quiz

91) The welfare of the group should be put before that of the individual.

If you say so.

92) It is better to show emotions than to suffer quietly.

I'll show you this shuriken.

93) One should go as far as one can academically and professionally on behalf of one's family.

On behalf of not getting hit with the B+ stick.

94) One should be able to boast about one's achievement.

see number 9

95) One's personal needs should be second to the needs of the group.

I personally need to get in a time machine and go back to when I didn't start this long ass quiz and realize that I am about to make a horrible decision.

96) One should not express strong emotions.


97) One's academic and occupational reputation reflects the family's reputation.

Is that why my own mother calls me Dr. Kim?

98) One should be able to draw attention to one's accomplishments.

see number 9

99) The needs of the community should supercede those of the individual.

shaddup I need a drink.

100) One should adhere to the values, beliefs and behaviors that one's society considers normal and acceptable.

If I were answering this test with a pencil I would be out of lead.

101) Succeeding occupationally is an important way of making one's family proud.

Is that really how you spell occupationally? It looks so funny.

102) Academic achievement should be highly valued among family members.

See number 97

103) The group should be less important than the individual.

Wait this is just the opposite of some other question I just answered. Man you are one sneaky-ass Asian Doctoral candidate!

104) One's emotional needs are less important than fulfilling one's responsibilities.

OK, sheeze make me feel guilty. I will finish the damn quiz OK?!

105) Receiving awards for excellence need not reflect well on one's family.

JackFest Contest 7th place 1993!

106) One should achieve academically since it reflects on one's family.

Oh shit am I almost done?

107) One's educational success is a sign of personal and familial character.

I asked you a question damnit!

108) One should not sing one's own praises.

I am the best motherfucking test taker in the whole damn world!!!!!!

109) One should not act based on emotions.

I said I'd finish damnit! Stop pushing me!!!

110) One should work hard so that one won't be a disappointment to one's family

Im going to finish this damn test to make your family happy they have a doctorate son in the family. I better win that damn Amazon Card, I'm going to need to buy a new keyboard because I think I broke this one taking this LONG ASS QUIZ!

111) Making achievements is an important way to show one's appreciation for one's family.

aaaaararrgg. I will achieve finishing this damn test. I will get an A! I will get an Amazon Card!

112) One's efforts should be directed toward maintaining the well-being of the group first and the individual second.

Easy for you to say after you tricked me into finishing this damn test.

113) It is better to hold one's emotions inside than to burden others by expressing them.

Fuck that

114) One need not blend in with society.

One need not drink blended Scotch in society.

115) Being boastful should not be a sign of one's weakness and insecurity.

See number 9

116) Conforming to norms provides order in the community.

Conform this: F this long ass test

117) Conforming to norms provides one with identity.

Norm This: F this long ass test

118) It is more important to behave appropriately than to act on what one is feeling.

I feel exhausted. Thats what I feel damnit.

119) One should not openly talk about one's accomplishments.

I accomplished this test and I'm gonna blog about it bitch.

120) Failing academically brings shame to one's family.

Failing academically brings shame to your butt in the form of an ass-whipping in one's Korean family

121) One should be expressive with one's feelings.

You think? F off Tosser.

122) Children's achievements need not bring honor to their parents.

WTF?! This is the dumbest question of the whole test and I'm not even done yet.

123) One need not sacrifice oneself for the benefit of the group.

Oh great now you tell me. Now that I'm done with your test.

124) Openly expressing one's emotions is a sign of strength.

Fuckin A

125) One's achievement and status reflect on the whole family.

I said this earlier. We could have stopped then but noooooooo have to ask one hundred fifty-three questions..

126) One need not always consider the needs of the group first.

see number 123

127) It is one's duty to bring praise through achievement to one's family.

Now you're not even trying anymore with these questions. Let's talk about ninjas.

128) One should not do something that is outside of the norm.

Ummm define "outside the norm"

129) Getting into a good school reflects well on one's family.

University for California's Lazy Asians #1

130) One should be able to brag about one's achievements.

I swear I answered this one already

131) Conforming to norms is the safest path to travel.

You must be a psychologist to ask such a crafty question

132) My work is the most important part of my life

Obviously it is to you...writing this long ass quiz

133) I make sure people do as I say

Yup, I'm your bitch. pwnage

134) In general, I do not like risky situations

risque situations? Whisky situations?

135) It would be awful if someone thought I was gay

Where the fuck did this come from?

136) I love it when men are in charge of women

No now you're just getting evil.

137) I like to talk about my feelings

I don't talk much really.

138) I would feel good if I had many sexual partners

I mean temporally yes. This question should not have passed phrasing check.

139) It is important to me that people think I am heterosexual

WTF? Where are you going with these questions?

140) I believe that violence is never justified

Unless provoked by long long test

141) I tend to share my feelings

I'll share this Ninja sandwich.

142) I should be in charge

Obviously not

143) I would hate to be important

Is this a trick question?

144) Sometimes violent action is necessary

Is water wet?

145) I don't like giving all my attention to work

Ummm yeah drilling stuff out of eyeballs sometimes required a bit of attention.

146) More often than not, losing does not bother me

Fucking WRONG

147) If I could, I would frequently change sexual partners

Did my wife hire you? You are the most crafty private detective I have ever met. But I'm on to you now.

148) I never do things to be an important person


149) I never ask for help


150) I enjoy taking risks

I risked taking this test. I risked wrong.

151) Men and women should respect each other as equals

Of course.

152) Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing

Fucking RIGHT

153) It bothers me when I have to ask for help

I have to ask for help finishing this damn test!!!! Oh wait...am I done?

YES! 14 minutes!
Beat that!

I know I scored like 99%