APDA: Asian Parental Displays of Affection

Am I the only one who thinks about the infamous battle between Kirk and Spock in “Amok time” (Star Trek Season Two Episode One) when it comes to Asians and public displays of affection?

It’s OK. You don’t have to admit to anything. I’m not trying to out anyone. Let me take the brunt of the ridicule and taunting. But at minimum admit that the rigid ritualistic act of dating in traditional Asian cultures is very… Vulcan.

Wandering Apricot has a funny post about it. (You might say, it’ll “bowl” you over – read her post, you’ll see what I mean.) And I’ve written about how the older generation of Asians aren’t a particularly touchy-feely crowd. I cited a 2009 BBC article called “No Kissing Please, We are Indians.”

There’s a lighthearted post on the Mom N-Stinks blog pondering why her children get “grossed out” every time “me and Adam hug and/or kiss.” The Nickelodeon Parents Connect blog says “the fact that your kids have begun to see your displays of affection as "gross" is probably all the more reason to keep it up.”

They go on to say appropriate relationship behavior is one of the life skills parents teach. Julie Hanahan at the Chicago Parent offers a glossary of romantic gestures parents might consciously model for their children. They include holding hands, hugging, kissing, and flirting.

I can safely say my parents never “gestured” (at least not in my presence – I mean they had me and my sister, so they had to have at some point.)

I can also safely say, I’m not going to win any awards for having healthy relationships.

But I’m hesitant to say that the two correlate. I just can’t with a clear conscience blame my bad relationships on the lack of “gesturing” between my parents.

Instead I’m going to copy and paste a chunk of text from a 2003 commentary by Jonathan Le:

Americans associate affection with compassion and openness. American affection happens instantaneously -- you hug your sister, she hugs you back, everybody is happy. Asians associate affection with keeping appearances and being loyal. Asian affection is more patient. It could take as long as a whole lifetime to manifest itself. It's more implied than shown outright…

These parents assume that because they have taken care of their children since birth, it should be obvious that they care about them, that they love them. And there isn't really any need for them to smother each other with hugs every day. Though, they tend to forget that, "not every day" does not mean "never again."

I think his closing lines say it all: "not every day" does not mean "never again."

He’s talking about displays of affection between his parents and him, but the conversation can be broadened to include “gestures” between husbands and wives, partners.

While he admits to being jealous of his American friends hanging on their parents like monkeys, I don’t think Jonathan is proclaiming the Kirk-style full on hug  superior to the Spock-style “Con, Good Job.”  I think he appreciates the uniqueness of the expressions and wonders every now and then what the fruit tastes like on the other side of the orchard.

The P to the D to the A

I was among the little boys who chased the little girls in the schoolyard. Back then girls were icky. I joined the slightly older boys who chased the slightly older girls in between classes in high school and college. They weren't icky anymore.

When my eldest was in pre-K and the parent of a student in his class told me that my son had kissed her daughter, my initial reaction was fear. I was afraid because I know the rules of the school yard had changed but I didn't know how. Living on the liberal Lower Eastside does not exclude you from being slightly prudish when it comes to sex. I have written about an incident involving my eldest son, his best friend, and two cats. Suddenly, the body of the self-appointed World’s Coolest Dad was inhabited by the spirit of a prudish old school marm screaming, “Avert your eyes young ones! Avert your eyes from the filth and sin of the flesh!”

I think it is safe to say non-Asian - and some Asian - people generally accept that Asians in general (despite the eroticizing and fetishizing) are not very touchy-feely. Articles like the BBC's "No Kissing Please, We Are Indians" should not be a shock to 2nd Generation Asian American parents.

I can still vividly see my grandmother making the sourest of faces witnessing a couple holding hands and kissing. She turned to me and said something that loosely translates into English as: "Oh God, how disgraceful and unsanitary!"

The funny thing about it though was that I don't remember her looking away.  Then again it was a long, long time ago. I think I was still in elementary school.

The A-sensual Asian is portrayed in Roberta Coles'  book, Race and Family: A Structural Approach (2005):

Perceptions of public displays of affection vary by culture as well... In Asian cultures, hugging and touching may even be considered dangerous. For instance, in America patting children on the head, or even giving "nuggies," is a sign of affection, whereas in Vietnamese culture touching people on the head is thought to rob them of their spirit (Binh, 1975). Asian children may withdraw, therefore, from shows of affection from teachers or other adults.

While I am glad there is a book like Roberta’s on race and family that includes healthy and insightful sections on the Asian population in Western countries (often books like this exclude the Asian American community), I am wary of her conclusions leading to a new set of stereotypes about Asians. The challenge to any book dealing with race and culture is neither are stagnant. Peoples in contact assimilate; picking and choosing the most desirable traits of each others’ cultures.

Jalal-e-Ahmad is credited by the BBC’s No Kissing article with coining the term, "Westoxication," meaning "superficial consumerist display of commodities and fads produced in the West."

I like the term: Westoxication. It accurately describes my upbringing. Newly American, my parents were in love with the promise of Chevrolets, apple pies, baseball, and necking beneath the bleachers - but when it came to us kids, it was strictly “Chinese” (at least the version they wanted us to believe). Realistically speaking, they probably did more to promote the stereotype of the A-sensual Asian than even the Whitest of White Western media.

I picture how Mr. Brady and Bobby and would have done it. Maybe there’d be an age appropriate anatomy textbook there too. He’d say, “You see Bobby, when a man and a woman love each other…”

My father was not Mr. Brady. He and I never had “The Talk.” I don’t remember how or when I learned about sex (In fact, I might just still be doing it wrong). I did take a Human Sexuality course in college as a part of my General Education requirement. They showed a film starring a cloth penis puppet and vagina puppet and brought in a Transgender wo/man to speak to us.

I’m not Mr. Brady. I shamefully admit I don’t know that I would be able to speak to my children about sex. I thank whatever entity might watch over us my eldest has forgotten his first kiss. His life now filled with LEGOS and Star Wars and Harry Potter. When they kiss in the movies, it does not seem to disturb dorment memories within him (but I can’t say for sure). For right now, I am assuming I have some more time.

This 2009 Singapore student PDA discussion I found on RazorTV is entertaining and even a little informative:

It is interesting to me how the speakers rationalized their limits.