The Art of the Chinese Compliment

[Cross posted on Cranial Gunk]

I pulled a real Chinese parent move recently. My eldest’s piano teacher told me he was playing very well but instead of turning to my eldest and saying: “Hey! Did you hear that? That’s excellent! Good Job!” I said: “Hey! Did you hear what your teacher said? If you concentrated and practiced more, you could be even better.”

It wasn’t until the next morning that I realized what I had done.

Oh my God, I thought – I am my father’s son! I’m not the cool American parent hanging his child’s drawing on the refrigerator – Good job Timmy! Let’s go for ice cream! I’m the Chinese parent saying, Is that it? You’re going to do better than that, right?

There should be a special category in parenting dedicated to the art of the “Chinese Compliment” - An 80, son? Well, I guess that’s good if that’s the best you can do. Sometimes it isn’t even what they say but how they’re saying it. I imagine an American parent saying the same thing but the tone is all different. In my head I am hearing a more excited pitch (akin to awe or expectance) – An 80, son? Well, I guess that’s good if that’s the best you can do. Now, let’s go for ice cream. There’s no ice cream when the Chinese voice in my head says it.

A friend and I joke about the extreme differences in our upbringing when it came to compliments. He says when he came home with 60s on his tests, his parents would say, “That’s Great! You did good this time! You know a 60 is more than half way to a 100! Let’s go out for ice cream!”

I’ve failed more than my fair share of tests – passing is a 75 - and can say with great confidence that I’ve never gotten ice cream.

I want to say here that (ice cream or not) I love my parents. As a parent now myself, I have learned that sometimes it is not so much about being fair or liked by my children but about what is necessary to insure good habits – Sometimes you need to be the bad guy in order to raise a good child.

And there are sacrifices. I like ice cream too but there is the proper moment for it – There is an appropriate time – An appropriate time that I (as father) need to choose and stick with – My children don’t need mixed messages from me regarding treats and rewards – I think in Parenting 101, most experts agree that consistency is important.

Maintaining consistency and good habits is hard. Complicating the process is determining when. Just like the cliché of the punishment fitting the crime, the reward must fit the deed. What’s an ice cream occasion and what warrants a visit to the toy store? Every parent has his own measure of success and this measure is incremented by that parent’s expectations of his child.

I expect my children to strive to be the best at whatever they decide to do. This is different from expecting them to be the best. I make the distinction because I feel too often children as students get too comfortable. They define a set of skills and academic subjects they are immediately successful at and cease to strive for more. As a parent, it’s my responsibility to nudge my children along so they can develop the necessary habits to achieve greater successes and learn to cope with their failures.

Now, I am certainly not justifying my words to my eldest when his piano teacher complimented him. It’s also my responsibility to inspire my children. There is a time to relish the moment – as in an instance of a compliment – and a time to be pragmatic – as I was trying to be when I told my son he could be even better if he practiced more.

I guess I got too comfortable in my role as a Chinese parent. I guess I need to take my own advice and stop being comfortable. I need to take my own advice and strive to be the best dad I can be.

Call Me Ishmael

Listen to this: http://www.wnyc.org/news/articles/128940

He has a point. Why don't we call each other "people, people, and people" or address each other by our names?

The question above closes Beth Fertig's report featuring students attending the International High School in Prospect Heights, Brooklyn. She had asked the students to consider Amsterdam's classification of all non-European origin as black. She asks them how they refer to themselves as "Americans"?

The students answered the way I have answered in the past. Why can't I "be both"? Asian (more specifically Chinese) and American. I can call myself "Chinese American." But older now I wonder if the description holds any more meaning than just calling myself "American"? What about my children? Physically, they appear Chinese or East Asian but their native language is without question English.

How about the comment one of the students interviewed makes: "We have the right to be called Americans?" I have never thought of being called "American" as a right. Born in the US as the child of new immigrants, I inherited my citizenship and my American surname. Both my parents and my grandparents were naturalized. They had to work towards their citizenship. Perhaps this is an exercise of the cliche about the differences between earning something and just being given it. You are said to appreciate the former much more.

In middle school I clung desperately to the habits I thought made me "American." I preferred hamburgers over rice, Coca Cola over Chrysanthemum tea. In college being American was no longer a medal of pride to me but a badge of shame. I was defiantly Chinese and I wore it on my sleeve.

In addition to the friends I still keep in touch with today, college was a very important step in the development of my "Americanness" (for lack of a better word). Two incidents from that time remain with me:

1. "You don't look American" - Crossing the American-Canadian border at the Rainbow Bridge, a border guard made this comment after asking me to get out of the car and hand him my driver's license. I was with friends. We wanted to go to the Canadian side of the falls to kill some time, take in the new spring air, and grab dinner. My friends were White. I was the only Asian.
2. "You don't act Chinese" - At a party. Talking to a girl. She was cute and smart and I thought we were really starting to click. She made that comment and I just lost interest.

Reading Rice Daddies posts from Metrodad (especially the section, "Putting My Money Where My Mouth Is"), Soccer Dad on Texas Representative, Betty Brown's recommendation that Asians change their names to more familiar Anglo names for the convenience of non-Asians,  and bigWOWO on Disney's current desire to reassert itself as a "cultural force" among boys (the Newsweek article he posted about a Black family adopting a White girl also got me thinking), about the world my children will inherit.

In the news, we are told about the national debt our children will inherit and we are told about what will happen if we don't literally clean up our act in terms of environment. But what kind of society will our children inherit? I am not as naive as to believe that the issues of race and culture in America will ever go away. I can even convince myself that their presence is a catalyst for ongoing conversation and reflection on identity. However, it is no less worrisome.

It would be unfair to deny progress has been made. Surfing network TV there is a greater chance of catching a glimpse of an Asian face speaking English than there was let's say 30 years ago. There is also a greater chance that the Asian face you might glimpse does not know kung fu and is not plotting to take over the world. That Asian face you might glimpse on network TV might even be more than comic relief. This is all progress and I don't want to diminish it. But recent posts from fellow Rice Daddies remind me that as an ethnic community there is still progress to be made.

As we enter Asian American Heritage month, I can't help but wonder What is American? And how does it differ from Asian American? Why is it assumed my perceived Asian habits? mannerisms? beliefs? culture? fall outside of the bucket of characteristics that make something or someone simply American? America as melting pot and mosaic, doesn't my "Asianness" make me uniquely American? Why do I need the surname?

As a Second Generation dad, one that was born here but whose parents were newly immigrated, I have the same challenges my parents did - What to keep and what can be left out of an ethnic identity? Already, my wife and I struggle with language. We both want our children to speak Chinese. However, she wants them to learn Mandarin. I speak passable Cantonese and she speaks Vietnamese. At home, our native tongue is English.

We also suck at celebrating the holidays. Every year despite our best intentions we miss the Autumn Moon festival. We hang decorations for Chinese New Year but have not always followed its customs most of the time out of pure ignorance and forgetfulness.

There is also the reality that no matter what my wife and I do, our children will have their own ideas about their "Asianness." Regardless of what my wife and I try to impart or instill, they will going through their own "editing process" and prioritize the aspects of their ethnic identity. So I am back to wondering about the "right to be called American" and the significance of applying the label "Asian American."

Help a daddy out...

Many of you that in my work life, I do online community stuff for a local newspaper's digital products. One thing we're working on now is a site for local parents, with profiles, blogs, forums, and a comprehensive event calendar, something we really don't have around here right now. We've been looking a lot at both national sites, like Maya's Mom, and hyperlocal mom sites run by newspaper.coms, like IndyMoms and SacMomsClub, to see what might work in this market.

Right now, we're still in development, figuring out things like direction/focus, features, name and tagline. I'd love it if you all could click on the link below and take a quick, 5-question survey that will help us hone in on this stuff. And feel free to pass the link on to other parent types you know. If you wanna get in touch with me about this, you can email me at work.

Click below for the survey
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=d_2bKv_2fC7w0KwFF_2biIXXzoNw_3d_3d

(Oh, and if you really want one of those onesies, AsAm momblogger extraordinaire Superha's selling 'em on CafePress. Heh.)