Scenes from the Home Front

Setting: Home, Working Momma's day off.
SAHD is in kitchen, prepping dinner.

WM (from baby's room across house): Honey, can you come here? The diaper thingy's full!

Back in the kitchen, after changing the bag thingy and throwing out the sack of diapers.

SAHD (chopping garlic): Sweetie, remind me, I gotta show you how to change the bags in the diaper thingy.

WM (smiling sweetly): But honey, that's a daddy job. I'm the mommy.

SAHD (avoids chopping off his fingers): Let me take a break from cooking dinner and wipe my hands on this dishtowel that I just washed in the laundry so we can have this conversation. What do you do, again?

WM (smiling sweetly): I'm the mommy. I got boobs, babe. Do you got milk coming out of your nipples?

SAHD: No, but I have a blog.


Seriously though, reader The Queen's Dad gave me a link to an interesting SAHD website/bulletin board, particularly a thread on SAHD burn-out after he read my little existential-angst-on-my-birthday post on my solo blog. I so do not have it bad in any way, shape or form—some of these brothers seem to be married to reincarnations of stereotypes of dads from the 1950s in women's bodies. Any SAHDs, or even non-SAHDs, have stories out there about butting up against gender roles, especially ones that are Asian-culture-based?

Hi, my name is iDaddy and I'm a gadget-aholic.

Hi, my name is iDaddy and I'm a gadget-aholic.

Okay, I'll admit it...I love gadgets, especially tech gadgets. If anything new comes out, I've got to have it. Maybe it's the Asian in me?! My wife hates it! She hates it even more now that we have our Pogi. My wife's latest rant--"Why does a 7-month old need an iPod?" I'm obsessed with baby gear and gadgets. Even before he was born he had 3 strollers! And with summer just around the corner I have plans to get that Chariot jogging stroller I've been eyeing.

Yesterday, I saw a report on CNN about the market for luxury baby gear. They showed a clip of shoppers at Barney's buying $400 D&G dresses and $200 cashmere sweaters for their babies. I'll be the first to agree that if you have the means, go ahead and splurge. It's your money, and you can do what you want with it.

Now, we don't have the kind of money to spend $200 on a sweater but our Pogi does have his share of designer clothes and high end baby gear. We'll hit Century 21 in NYC or make a trip up to Woodbury Commons to get some deals. Or we wait for the current seasons' collections to go on sale for him to wear next season. As for gear, I'm the type of person that believes you get what you pay for, so we'll splurge a little on quality.

But is it for the babies or is it for the parents? And at what point does this spoil a baby? Surely, our Pogi wouldn't have a clue whether he's rolling around in a $900 Bugaboo or $20 umbrella stroller from TRU. Or whether he's wearing a Burberry cashmere sweater or a sweatshirt from Wal-mart. All he cares about is being comfortable and warm.

Growing up, I didn't have expensive clothes. In fact, my Mom made my clothes and even put my initials on most of my overalls. Looking back at pictures, the clothes were actually cute! But at that age did I care that my Mom made my clothes instead of buying me designer clothes? Hell, if it weren't for pictures, I didn't even remember what clothes I was wearing or what stroller I was rolling around in.

So, where do I stand? I'm all for buying designer clothes and high-end gear for our Pogi. I think he deserves the best that we can afford. But I (I say, "I" because my wife doesn't think we should spend too much on him) need to find the balance so that when he gets older, he doesn't "expect" the designer clothes. Although, judging by the kids we run into at the malls, it's inevitable when he reaches middle school--hell, even elementary school!

F1 and Guitars

James Chiang is a childhood friend; our parents knew each other from way back in the day and for a brief spell, we both grew up outside of Boston as kids (my parents still call him Jimmy in fact). We lost touch for, well, decades, but ironically, we both ended up in the Bay Area in the 1990s; now we both live in S.F.

I barely have much of a memory of what James was like as a kid (I barely remember what I was like as a kid), but as an adult, I think he leads a fascinating life. I saw this because he's a professional photographer by day and his great hobby/passions are 1) F1 racing and 2) electric guitars. The last time I was at his loft in SOMA, he had at least a dozen or more mounted on his walls with an eye to both historical significance and design.

I mention all this because James is one of the few people I know who grew up under similar circumstances: oldest sons of immigrant Chinese parents, raised in middle class, education-first environments, blah blah blah but neither of us turned out particularly conventional (i.e. we're not dentists, attorneys or middle-management) and instead, pursue particular kinds of creative interests, almost obsessively (and likely to the considerable detriment of our bank accounts). It's just nice to have confirmation that not everyone follows the same path, or that it's strange if you detoured off it. For those of you who are children of immigrant Asian parents, you know what I'm talking about.

In any case, check out James' portfolio at his site: www.jameschiang.com

What He Said

Peep what John Watson had to say on the subject of "Being Daddy."

Deep thoughts, yo.

[Thanks to Irene Nam for the head's-up.]

"Well, it's only funny when we say it..."

So I turned 32 last week, and got a homemade birthday card from my SAHM friend who is currently building her eBay empire based on her love of iron-on transfers, Superman, and all things '80s. The front of the card featured this photo of her darling daughter (proudly wearing her product, of course), with the subtitle, "Another birthday?" Inside is the punchline: "Don't sweat it!"

["Don't sweat it!" Get it? Asians? And sweatshops? Get it? And child labor? And she's sitting at the press like she's... Oh, never mind.] Well, that one's never gonna make a Great ExpectAsians card....


Not about to put my friend out there (with her permission, of course) without being willing to embarrass myself, here's a pic from Halloween, when we dressed our babygirl in a kimono and Grandma's wig and called the ensemble "sushi bar hostess." (I had really wanted to pair the wig with a little baby sportcoat and call it "Asian American anchorwoman," but I couldn't find any cheap size-12-months businesswear. Oh well, maybe in a few years. We've still got the wig.)

So, what painfully non-p.c., self-stereotyping inside-jokes—that you'd get pissed off and e-mailing Angry Asian Man about if "somebody else" did it—have you played on your poor, unsuspecting, trusting mini-me's? (C'mon, don't lie, you know you've done it!)

Jin's Gonna Be a Daddy!

Okay, maybe it's the bald ex-boyfriend's and not his. And yeah, even if it is his, the way the show's pacing is, it won't be born for like, 4 seasons, if the writers even let it come to term.

Whatever—Jin's gonna be a daddy!

What the fuck are you babbling about, you moron, you ask?

C'mon, you don't watch "Lost"? What kind of Asian American are you?! Heh.

Anyway, as those of you who, like me, watch way more t.v. than the parent of a toddler should (damn you, TiVo!) already know, last night's episode of "Lost" (ABC, Wednesdays at 9 p.m.), "The Whole Truth," centered around everybody's favorite bundle of race, class and gender role problems, I mean, married Korean couple on t.v., Sun and Jin Kwan (played by Korean actress Yunjin Kim and Korean American actor Daniel Dae Kim, respectively).

To bring non-viewers up to speed: rich-girl Sun was gonna leave son-of-a-fisherman-turned-dad-in-law's-goon Jin, learning English from her rich (and bald) ex-boyfriend (well, he's not really...but this is just less complicated, trust me) in preparation for a dash to America. She got cold feet and they both ended up in the crash on the island. Jin's got gender-role and class-insecurity issues a-plenty. After some rough patches, including attacking the black single-father (now his friend) for "stealing" his father-in-law's watch, being accused of setting a raft on fire, finding out his wife secretly knew English, setting off on the rebuilt raft and then getting captured by other survivors, Jin's back with his wife, trying to work through all his macho controlling crap. It's resurfaced a bit though, with last night's freak-out over Sun being out in the jungle alone (she was recently the victim of a fake kidnapping, again, if you don't watch, never mind, it's too complicated...) and the flash-back revelation that, when told Sun was unable to have children, he freaked out and accused her of knowing about it before the wedding. Turns out that the doc lied, though—it's Jin with the infertility problem, he just doesn't want the known tough-guy to burn his office down. So, finally, Sun tells Jin the truth (well, that part anyway), and promises that she was never unfaithful. Happy dad-to-be chalks it up to an island miracle. With all the facial expressions that Sun throws around, you really can't tell if she's lying or not—Did she sleep with baldy and thus could it be his? Or is it really a "miracle" and is she as surprised as Jin?

This shows throws so many curveballs that it could be anything (and fans have filled up bulletin boards registering their opinions on all sides already). I'm hoping it's Jin's, and I'm hoping the character continues to shed all the insecurity-induced macho tendencies. It'd be nice to see an functional Asian/Asian American family, and an Asian/Asian American dad, on t.v. (not on a cartoon!), even if it takes a few seasons. Besides all the crazy storylines and stuff, I love this show for all the little things it sticks in. The cast of characters' diversity is just a given, with black single dads and sociopathic Latina cops and fat Latino mental patients and Iraqi commandos played by South Asians and Nigerian crimelords turned priests.... And don't you just love that the only married couples are the Koreans and the middle-aged interracial couple (white guy/black woman)? And what other primetime American dramas have entire episodes with over half of it in Korean (or Arabic), with English subtitles? And his shirtless scenes have already landed Daniel Dae Kim a spot as one of People Magazine's Sexiest Men Alive. Heh. Who woulda thunk it?

So anyway... Jin's gonna be a daddy!

Collective Seoul

As a Korean-American guy, born in NYC and raised in a predominantly white environment, I have often felt the pull of being trapped between two cultures. I would imagine many of you whom are either Asian-American or are raising part-Asian children can understand what I mean by that.

Personally, I cherish that duality in myself. Growing up, I used to make turkey and kimchi sandwiches all the time. Sometimes, it would be bologna and kochujang sandwiches. And though now that type of cultural melding of foods is considered "fusion," back when I was a 6-year-old kid, I liked to think that, by combining the best of both cultures, the sum of the parts was greater than the whole.

Now, despite the fact that I'm about as American as apple pie, I've still got a great sense of Korean pride. When the World Cup or the Olympics are on TV, I always find myself rooting for the Korean team. Part of the reason is obviously due to my family's Korean heritage. However, another part of it has to do with rooting for the underdog (Those of you familiar with the Korean concept of HAN may understand how poignant it is to root for the underdog, especially when that underdog is related to anything Korean.)

Why am I babbling about all this today? Because recently, Korea beat the U.S. 7-3 in the World Baseball Classic. Keep in mind that the U.S. team is a collection of Major League Baseball All-Stars. The best players on the Korean team aren't even stars on their own home teams! But collectively, the Koreans persevered and basically spanked the snot out of the U.S. team!

When I heard the news, I practically jumped for joy and looked around for someone to high-five. Unfortunately, I couldn't find anyone so I just high-fived myself. Then, I started thinking about how interesting it was that I could feel such enormous pride for the Korean team. I barely speak any Korean. I have virtually no family living there. And when I go back to Korea, people still very much consider me a foreigner.

And you know what? I realized that, paradoxically speaking, all those things are relevant only in the sense that they make me MORE AMERICAN.

Because isn't it true that the greatest thing about this country is the fact that we're ALL from somewhere else? That this experiment in democracy and melting pot of ideas is what makes this country so great?

As future American generations become more racially and culturally mixed, I think the actual notions of race and culture will be diminished. And while I think that's a beautiful thing, I hope that everyone always remembers where they came from. Because as a wise man once said, it's only by looking back that we can see where we're going.

But is it me or do other people feel the same way also? Is it strange that I consider myself a very patriotic American but I always find myself rooting for the Korean team? What about those of you who are half-Asian or raising half-Asian kids? Do you think my 3rd-generation daughter will feel marginally less pride in her Korean heritage? Is there a law of diminishing succession?

Talk to me, people. An inquring mind wants to know...

Daddy Status

I've moved from impregnator to actual daddy. I wasn't what I expected but a miracle nevertheless. Perhaps cursed by a very uneventful and smooth pregnancy, delivery was a bitch and although I didn't endure any of the pain (I was at the risk of invoking a bad Denzel movie, ready to go John Q. Public). We went in at 7 am and my wife had a C-section at 11:17 pm. For much of early labor, my wife didn't even know she was having contractions they were so mild. Then came the used car salesman who filled in as our OB/GYN complete with bald spotted gray hair. Since we are blessed to be in an HMO medical group, the doctor we've been seeing for nine months was replaced by Dr. Joe Random - who must have had a tee-time the next morning.

First thing he wants to do is "get things going" by breaking my wife's water, and then threatens to send us home if he can't. After talking with our friend in family medicine, he tells us the only risk is infection after 12 hours. So we do it on Joe Random's lunch visit. Then he suggests pitocin. Then making an appearance 10 hours later, he says labor is going too slow, even though the nurse had just said it was moving great with her fully effaced, dilated, and head crowning. What do you know, he says my wife has a fever and must have an infection, so we must have a C-section. He says we would be jeopardizing the baby if we didn't go C-section, so we have little choice. We find out the baby was facing up (the wrong way) which is useful information that we think might have been able to glean previous to actual delivery. Thank goodness for Jack Johnson and his Curious George Soundtrack.

I didn't want to watch the C-section since Lamaze class had provided a tasty sample and a woman that had gotten one said at one point they removed her uterus, until I saw them lift the baby. From a figment of imagination to body and whitish-blood streaked flesh.) I was in the room and held my wife's shaking hand, chills from the mega-grade epidural. Such an indescribable walk to the nursery with my newborn son.

For once I find back and shoulder hair cute, as I look at my little George "the Animal" Steele. But his face is all Squirt, the kid surfing turle, from Finding Nemo with the buggy eyes, nearly non-existent nose, and beaky mouth (cute even when its gaping from crying.)

TV Alert: Triple Whammy on Nanny 911 Tonight

Via Mixed Media Watch comes news of tonight's triple whammy on "Nanny 911" (Fox, 8 p.m., Fri. 3/17):

Not only is the George family an interracial family (whammy number 1), but 26-year-old Jeffrey is both black (whammy number 2) AND a stay-at-home-dad (trifecta!)!

Now normally, I hate watching these kinda shows--do I really wanna throw away an hour of my life watching, typically, a couple that can't communicate worth shit and a mom and/or dad (typically) whose attitude is the number one contributing factor to the family's problems? Sure, it can be cathartic ("At least we're not on SuperNanny911!"), but all those screaming, abusive, rolling-on-the-floor-while-holding-their-breath-and-simultaneously-beating-their-sister children tend to have a paranoia-inducing effect that outweighs the catharsis.

MMW makes suspicious note of the program's website's description of tonight's victim, er, star, as knowing "what it feels like to be imprisoned" because being a SAHD of three kids under 4, while his (white and decade-older) wife Theresa is "bring[ing] home the bacon," is akin to being "under house arrest." I don't know which is more ominous or (unsurprisingly) upsetting, the whole prison metaphor being employed where a black man's concerned (MMW's point), or their reference to "domestic diva Martha Stewart" vis-a-vis house arrest and homemaking duties. Obviously, that one's foreshadowing some dumping on the brother's household-management skillz, and probably SAHDhood itself.

Hmmm.... What's gonna come off worse? That their kids' problems stem from being raised by a SAHD, by a black man, or in an interracial family? Hopefully, I'm just being overly cynical, right? I mean, t.v. wouldn't play a brother like that, right?

Right?

Heh. Stay tuned.... (Or not.)

Food to Ponder

An article in the McPaper (USA Today) today, which I was reading purely because I was looking at player info. for my NCAA tournament player draft (six billion times more fun and interesting than the brackets that bust in like a day). Anyway, its an editorial showing how conservatives are breeding like crazy and liberals are more likely to have one child or none. http://news.yahoo.com/s/usatoday/20060314/cm_usatoday/theliberalbabybust

It foretells of not 4 but 40 more years of Bush-es. They would be wrong because the planet wouldn't last that long and they could have hospitals because there would be oil dregs everywhere. This reminds me of watching the reality TV show about the Duggar family with 16 kids ...and counting. I shook my head at first learning of them but I have to say it was fascinatin to watch. At first, I was quick to judge them as religious fanatics pumping out babies for Christ (and big shock, they are Fundamentalist Christians.) Yes, the father's name is really Jim Bob. But the shining light had to be the mother and the level of organization and faith that it took to run that family. It wasn't a fiasco, they never seemed to allow the demands of bulk parenting overwhelm them, and their kids learned some interesting lessons about sharing and responsibility. As an educator, my biggest concern was the home schooling. Their world was so insular and I didn't see how the mom or dad could find time to teach them anything or plan what to teach other than, "hey come look at the house being built." I would worry about their socialization with peers and perceptions of "different people" and how their entire world is mediated through their parents, vaguely David Koresh-y. I guess daddy is running for senate. Gee, don't you have enough on your plate or some children to maybe give some attention to?