It's all our faults!

Korean American woman pretends to be Stanford student for eight months.

This should be a valuable lesson to us as Asian parents: chill on the collegiate pressure! We should be open to our kids being imposters at state schools too, not just Stanford.

--Poppa Large

New TV Series Puts Rice Daddy and His Kids Centerframe

For the first time since Margaret Cho's ill-fated All American Girl, there's an Asian American TV series in potential play: My Life Disoriented. Here's the breakdown:

"Life gets turned upside down for Kimberlee and Aimee Fung when their father decides to leave his well-paying corporate executive job in San Francisco and move the family to Bakersfield, CA. Moving in with grandparents and helping out with the family business, a massage parlor called “Touch of the Orient,” add to the remodeling of their lives. If the social pressure of starting at a new high school in the middle of the school year weren’t enough, Kimberlee and Aimee are among only a handful of Asian American kids at North High. They soon realize that every choice they make—from where to sit at lunch to what clubs to join—will determine where and if they fit in."

Some of our fave talents are involved including director Eric Byler (Charlotte Sometimes) and actor Dennis Dun (where has he been the last, you know, 15 years?) and PBS is going to give the ep its first run in the next week or so (it will be on in L.A. and S.F. on 12/26).

We haven't seen anything from this but youtube clips are here and here. We're probably just a little older than the target demographic (from the sound of it, this show sounds like My So-Called Life meets, um, uh, uh, well - this is the point, there IS no comparison with in the Asian American media world. Maybe if they're lucky enough to get picked up, Yul Kwon can guest.

--Poppa Large

Sorry to do this...

...not to bum people out but this story breaks my heart:

"Lost dad found dead in wilderness."

This LA Times story, though not updated with news of Kim's death, provides more background on what happened.

The Kims own the boutique DOE, which I used to peek in on since it's in the Lower Haight, down the street from other stores I'd frequent. I never met James, I may have met his wife at one point but regardless, I cannot begin to imagine how incredibly terrible all of this was for the entire family.

--Poppa Large

First Place Award: Overachieving Asian Category

(thanks HHH)

--Poppa Large

All Dressed Up

Ok, I think it's time all the Rice Daddies and Kimchee Mamas rep their kids' Halloween costumes. Post here.


--Poppa Large

SPEAKING OF STEREOTYPES...

A friend of mine passed this along: "Chinese Hotel Laundry Bag. The description is aces:

"No one knows laundry better than the Chinese. They’ve even perfected the bag. We’ve found it useful for carrying everything from dirty clothes to snorkeling gear, plastic toy sets, vegetables from the Farmer’s Market. The real thing, these sturdy 100% cotton twill Chinese laundry bags have a mystic, irresistible appeal. No fortune cookie included, though."

If only this were some Blacklava, irony-laden put-on.

Alas. No.

--Poppa Large

Who saw what?

I don't know if this is scary, entertaining or both. ISawYourNanny.com.

Seriously, how thin is the line between child welfare and self-righteous bulls--- in these posts? That said, it should be a cautionary tale for people to keep their yaps shut when they don't know who they're talking to.

--Poppa Large

Inter-Asian Wuv

we like same...but different!
My friends E and L got married yesterday in a lovely ceremony, in a church overlooking the Bay Area. Even though it was so hot the whole neighbohood experienced a blackout right before dinner (oops), the vibe was quite lovely nonetheless.

E is Korean, second gen. L is half nisei/half sansei. The ceremony was reflective of the cultural merging: the first ceremony was Japanese Buddhist. Then we had a 30 minute break. Then we came back for the second ceremony which was Korean. I was chasing El-Boogie around at the time so I didn't catch all of it but there were something involving chestnuts, dates and how many children they would have. And then another bit where E carried L on his back around the stage (it was supposed to be his mother but they remixed it). I'd like to joke dinner was kimchee and natto but actually, it was pork loin or salmon.

It dawned on me that I can't remember the last time I've been to a wedding involving two people of the same ethnicities and more so, most of the Asian couples I know are inter-Asian. There's mine of course (Chinese/Japanese), E & L (Korean/Japanese), my ex and her fiancee (Chinese/Japanese), my wife's ex and his wife (Filipino/South Asian), my friend S and her boyfriend S (Chinese/Japanese), our very own Soccer Dad and his wife (Japanese/Hapa(Korean)), and the list goes on. Just a random observation: is it me or are Japanese the dating/marriage equivalent of O-type blood? In the cases of intra-Asian couples I know, one of the partners is usually Japanese. Are they just that damn likable? Or do they just not like one another?

Actually, there's some data to support both claims. Japanese are actually the most likely to marry another Asian but least likely to marry another Japanese. Shout out to my JA friends: what gives? (Note: this stat is only amongst those Asian Americans raised in the U.S. and does not include stats for 1st gen immigration Asians).

What's also interesting, according to that study, is that white men are most likely to marry Japanese women and least likely to marry Vietnamese. White women are most likely to marry Japanese men and least likely to marry South Asian. For black men, it'd be South Asian (most) and Koreans (least) whereas for black women, it'd be Filipino (most) and Chinese (least). Draw what conclusions ye may.

My personal conclusion? There's gonna be a lot of really cute inter-Asian babies in the next generation. Not that I'm biased about my own *cough cough* of course.

--Poppa Large

East West Playas

This story, came forwarded from a friend who just put "???" in the subject line. It appears in a Torrance newspaper.

Torrance business courts success by opening doors

Enter Torrance Cabinet Center and you could leave with a date with your future husband or wife. That's if you're a white man or Asian woman.

...

Founder and owner Angelina Pakalapati matches white men with Asian women who want to settle down with that special someone.

...

East West Singles earned about $35,000 in revenue in 2005. Torrance Cabinet Center collected $700,000 that year with a profit margin of 30 percent, about twice that of the dating service.

Pakalapati, who now throws several soirees a year to connect future couples, once stayed away from parties because of her traditional upbringing. That changed after she married her second husband in 1997. Many single friends called her, complaining "You're happy, we're not."

So she introduced them to her husband's single friends by throwing a party for about 40 people who were mostly white men and Asian immigrant women."

There's more but what's funny is that this story is couched not so much as a "modern dating" topic but rather, it's a profile of a small business and entrepreneur. There's a long section talking about how Pakalapati is also into cabinetry work.

But hey, where's the dating service that pairs Asian men with non-Asian women? Not that I'm, uh, asking for personal reasons or anything.

--Poppa Large

Duty Calls

My wife was listening to Story Corp's "This I Believe" on NPR this morning and told me about this testimonial from a 13 year old Chinese girl in New Jersey. Suffice to say, it strikes quite a nerve since I - and I think many of us here - know a lil something about a sense of filial piety and duty. Here's what worth noting:

"All my pride, love, self-esteem -- they merge into duty. There have been times I wanted to throw away everything, but duty and obligation were always there to haunt me and to keep me strong. I would think: My parents and grandparents brought me up, my country gave me shelter, my teachers spent so much time building my foundations just to have me throw it all away? No, I can't do that! I must repay all that they have done. "I must," "I should," "I have to," all those little phrases govern my life and the lives of many of my classmates. We struggle on because duty reminds us that the awaiting success is not just for us. It's for our families, our heritage and our country.

I used to want to be a gardener. I liked working outdoors and the gritty feel of dirt was much more tangible than a bunch of flimsy words strung together. But I can never grow up to be a gardener. Everything I have done so far points to the direction of becoming a lawyer. That's a job my family wholeheartedly supports.

There is no other choice for someone who's been brought up by such a strict system, someone who has ambition. Here in America, there is almost a pressure to follow your dreams. I don't want any more dreams -- dreams are illusions. And it's too late for me to work toward another future, to let the foundations I have built go to ruins."

May I just note again - she's THIRTEEN which both gives me some hope (she's very young to be making these kind of pronouncements) and despair that even at her age then, she thinks the future has foreclosed on her dreams and instead, all that lies ahead is obligation. One can only hope that by the time she's 30, she's not still stuck in this mentality. (I figure, give her a few years, a boy/girlfriend, some alcohol/weed and a larger social circle and we'll check back). Otherwise, I see somehow who's going to grow up to be crazy bitter and depressed, not to mention, not self-realized.
--Poppa Large

Jackson Harvard Stanford Lee

For those into 1) baby names and 2) cool internet design/functionality, check out the Name Voyager which creates instant graphical representations of popular baby names over the last 120 years.

--Poppa Large

APA Parenting Meme (Con't)

This is from guest Rice Daddy: Mister Zen

1. I am:
Chinese and Native Hawaiian

2. My kids are:
Chinese, Filipino, and Hawaiian

3. I first realized I was APA when:
I figured out how wealthy my first haole friend was.

4. People think my name is:
Jeff Yang; Connie Chung.

5. The family tradition I most want to pass on is:
New Year's in Hawai'i, all-night pool and poké parties, and multifamily road trips!

6. The family tradition I least want to pass on is:
actually, it's all good. All the problems give us something to talk about.

7. My child's first word in English was:
Zito. Just kidding. It was 'Vida Blue'.

8. My child's first non-English word was:
Wikiwiki. (Shut up!--LOL, that's mixing Hawaiian and hip-hop for you.)

9. The non-English word/phrase most used in my home is:
Pau. ("Are you pau with your dinner?" "Yes, I'm pau." "No you're not. Eat your rice!")

10. One thing I love about being an APA parent is:
My kids are always the cutest ones on the playground!

11. One thing I hate about being an APA parent is:
People tend to assume you're another drone from some big Asian borg.

12. The best thing about being part of an APA family is:
We roll deep, and our parties never leave anyone hungry. Plus with leftovers, you don't have to buy food for a week or two.

13. The worst thing about being part of an APA family is:
we don't always treat difference that well.

14. To me, being Asian Pacific American means:
Fighting for the dim sum bill with the tenacity of a tiger, the strength of an oxen, and the wiles of a monkey.

--Poppa Large

I'm Poppa Large, Big Dad on the West Coast

1. I am:

Chinese American, second gen.



2. My kid is:

To invoke Marlon Brando from Sayanora: "Half-yeller and half-yeller" (more specifically, 3rd gen Chinese American on my side and fifth gen Japanese American on her mom's).



3. I first realized I was APA when:

I learned the term my first year at UC Berkeley (where the campus community probably coined it...or at least, acted like it did).



4. I am often confused for:

Being Japanese...I think because of my facial hair. That and my Mandarin sucks.



5. The family tradition I most want to pass on is:

Big feasts around holidays.



6. The family tradition I least want to pass on is:

Dysfunctional relations.



7. My child's first word in English was:

Da-dum (we think that means "daddy").



8. My child's first non-English word was:

Ma! (as in "mas" as in "more").



9. The non-English word/phrase most used in my home is:

Currently, it's "awah" (aqua).



10. One thing I love about being an APA parent is:

Waiting to see if my daugther's generation feels more comfortable in their skin than when I was growing up.



11. One thing I hate about being an APA parent is:

Worrying about whether she's only going to date white guys.



12. The best thing about being part of an APA family is:

You never have to worry about buying an American car.



13. The worst thing about being part of an APA family is:

See #6.



14. To me, being Asian Pacific American means:

A lifetime of feeling self-conscious. Unless you're in Hawaii. Or certain parts of California.

I'm tagging Soccer Dad and Daddy Zen.

--Poppa Large

What's in a (sur)name?

Am I the only one surprised to learn that over 80% of American women still take their husband's surname when they get married? Provided, I've lived in the Bay Area for the last 16 years, which is about as unconventional a region as you can find when it comes to matrimonial practices. However, I always found taking your husband's name to seem like such antiquated practice - sure, it harkens back to "tradition" but so did foot-binding and drowning witches.

It doesn't take a feminist historian to point out the practice is a remnant of both patriarchal societies where women effectively surrender their identities unto their husband and his family as well as an institution of marriage where the act was about consolidating familial power. Ironically, for a practice that once had real material import (however unequal), I can't imagine what the contemporary practical/material value is of the practice except that it might save a little money on stationery and filling out online forms could be a tad faster.

To be sure, I've met some women who just don't care (but their husbands do). Other women see it as a symbolic act (as the NPR story delves into) though it'd be unimaginable to most men to ever consider changing their surname. I have to say, the most rhetorically convincing - though some what cynical - explanation I've heard is that, "who cares? I'm just exchanging one man's surname (my father) for another man's (my husband)."

In the spirit of understanding other cultures, I'm genuinely interested to know:
1) What women out there have or plan to change their surname, and why?
2) What men expect, or at least, desire, for their wives to do the same...and why?
3) What do queer couples do?

Return of the La Leche Legion

I know Father's Day is coming up but I'm writing on the travails of motherhood today, specifically, the trials and tribulations known as breast-feeding. I wrote about this way back when, over the difficulties Sam and I had with the guilt-ridden, anxiety-inducing act of giving baby L some formula right after she came home because Sam's milk production hadn't kicked in yet. I think many women can relate - it f*cking sucks when you feel as if your choices are either 1) starvation or 2) feeding formula as if you were serving up rat poison in a bottle.

Thanks to the NY Times, here we go again. The latest medical wisdom is that breast-feeing is so important that one legislator wanted it printed on formula bottles that not breast-feeding represented a medical and developmental risk for your baby. Aiya!

What I find really astounding in much of the literature on the issue - including in this article itself - is that no one mentions something pretty simple...that being: of course breast-feeding is ideal. Very ideal. You should, if you can at all do it, breast-feed. Ok, we can agree on that principle. But if you have to resort to formula, especially in those early days where breast milk production is potentially low (not all women lactate like Holsteins, particularly in the first few days following giving birth), it's perfectly ok to supplement with formula. The pediatric practice our daughter goes to pretty much says the same thing.

Yet this debate always seems to take on an all-or-nothing quality and I find that rather odd. Is it that people are so afraid that formula use is a slippery slope that they won't even acknowledge times where formula use would be acceptable (such as, y'know, when the baby is starving?) I really don't get it.

Like I said, I'm a big advocate of breast-feeding - and it should be noted, so is my wife since she's actually the one who's done it. L was exclusively raised on breast milk for her first six months and continued to nurse through her first year and I think this was good for her health and development. But I'd seriously want to spare any parent the nightmare of avoiding formula 100% simply out of fear or guilt.

The other issue too - and this is something that the NYT piece acknowledges is that most American businesses are limited in the kind of support they lend to breast-feeding women:

"urging women to breast-feed exclusively is a tall order in a country where more than 60 percent of mothers of very young children work, federal law requires large companies to provide only 12 weeks' unpaid maternity leave and lactation leave is unheard of. Only a third of large companies provide a private, secure area where women can express breast milk during the workday, and only 7 percent offer on-site or near-site child care, according to a 2005 national study of employers by the nonprofit Families and Work Institute.

As usual, public and business policy lags far, far behind medical wisdom (not the least of which is because it's probably a lot harder to squeeze money out of a mom breast-feeding than it is to pay for formula).

--Poppa Large

Educated Mess

L is only 15 months old (yet already throwing tantrums...awesome!) but Sam and I are already starting to worry about school. Actually, maybe not Sam. I've been a small neurotic wreck since we're currently planning a move down to Southern California. Like many parents (I assume), apart from Craigslist, Westsiderentals.com and Google Maps, I've been using GreatSchools.Net as an informal real estate guide and frankly, it's driving me nuts.

Here's the thing. I never, ever want to end up like these parents. I know affluent NYC parents are a different kind of species from, well, everyone else. Seriously, how is it that there hasn't been a reality show yet where Upper East/West Side parents get to compete to see which of their 4 year olds will win a spot in some coveted private school. It seriously makes the upper middle class in New York seem bat-shit crazy. $5,000 - 10,000 for Mommy-and-Me classes a year? I paid over $100 for 8 weeks of swimming lessons and I thought that was pretty nuts.

However, my point here is not to disparage upper crust NY parents (fun as it is). It's to ask aloud how is it that we, as parents, are supposed to be both responsible for the education of our kids yet still socially responsible at the same time? For example, one thing I've been looking at with GreatSchools.net is the ethnic breakdown of different elementary schools and I'll be straight-up: I'm more than a little uncomfortable at the idea of sending L anywhere that has more than 2/3rds majority of any one ethnicity, especially in Los Angeles. I've basically written off any elementary school - regardless of academic quality - that has more than a 50% white majority (no doubt, Sandra Tsing Loh would approve). However, I also have balked at schools where the Asian population is more than 50% since that, to me, seems highly socially distorted (except in, say, Hawaii). Provided, I've probably lived in the Bay Area too long so I wonder if I'm not being just a tad too p.c. about this whole thing.

But let's put ethnic breakdown aside for a moment - I'm not sure what to think of charter/magnet schools (public, not private. In fact, let's not even get into private schools...that's one some whole next level confusion for me). Should I be encouraged by alternative styles of pedagogy? Or concerned that some of these schools' test scores, on paper at least, look abysmal? I could pretty much give a fuck about the obsessive drive towards standarized tests that's infected the public school, post-No-Child-Left-Behind mindset but at the same time, I admit that I use those scores as a basic form of evaluation. Ultimately, I'm just not sure how to even judge these schools...I barely remember my own elementary school days so I'm not sure what kind of criteria I should be bringing to bear here.

And just to note this again: L is 15 months old. She's at least three years away from actually attending pre-school, let alone needing to feed into a K-5 system. Aiya.

So how did you other parents figure this out?

---

Unrelated (but interesting) news: German non-mothers are going against evolutionary impulse; could Americans be too far behind?

"How To Adopt a Baby From China"

I didn't mean to come back to this topic again but I saw this on "How To Of The Day". Just to put this in perspective, the WikiHow advice on Chinese adoption was sandwiched between "How to Create Stereo Photographs" and "How To Choose a Good Office Plant."

Uh...

Baby Pix Re-Up!

It's time to update our blog banner with more baby pix from you.

Upload here.

Preferred submission guidelines here.

I'm especially looking for baby photos from some of our newer Rice Daddies who haven't gotten their kids in the mix yet.

Authentically Asian

I'm not trying to start a fight but I speculate that we'll get some pointed feedback on this. I was planning on posting something about the NY Times article that came out last month (NYT charges for it now but *hush* you can read it here). Talking about trans-racial adoption, especially from Asia, is a hot button topic that tends to generate a lot of heat but not always much light.

My general impression - and I'm quite open to be illuminated on this - is that with the recent generation of Chinese adoptions (vs. the older generation of Korean adoptions) by non-Asians, the adopting parents are at least aware enough to recognize that racial difference might play some kind of role. However, I don't think there's a uniform response as to how to resolve that tension (though ignoring it is probably not the best option) and personally, I think it will be very interesting to see what happens as this generation of Chinese adoptees come of age over the next 10 years. Personally, I predict a wave of self-made films and documentaries exploring the topic (as there already has been amongst Korean adoptees).

I mentioned this several years ago, but I was also struck at how normalized the practice as become within American popular culture. There was a wave of TV commercials a few years back that all were based around Chinese adoption by white parents and let's not forget the Sex And The City subplot with Charlotte and her second husband adopting a baby from China as well. Personally, I found the fact that it became so normative, so quickly, to be rather facile - any time Madison Ave. and Hollywood can absorb a potentially contentious social phenomenon faster than the rest of America, one should take notice and be wary.

The thing is, the common explanation (read: defense) of the practice is a hard one to argue with, at least on the surface: "we're giving these children better lives." I mean, sure, I'd rather grow up in Park Slope or Noe Valley than a Zhuzhou orphanage (especially if I were a woman) but the defense is deployed in such a way to shut down any concerns about how transracial adoption creates its own set of challenges for the children involved.

I'm not implying that the adopting parents aren't aware of this on some level, but their "solutions" can sometimes be painful. I don't think folks in our community want to turn a deaf ear to attempts by non-Asian parents to span the culture gap but it doesn't mean we can't roll our eyes once in a while when we read things like this:

(this comes from a friend who helps run a Chinese American organization in the Bay Area. He frequently gets emails like this from non-Asians adopting Chinese babies.) link

"My husband and I are in the process of adopting our first child from China. We will be visiting San Francisco next week and would like to see Chinatown, or at least the non-touristy, more authentic parts, as part of our education. Do you have any suggestions for a tour we might take and/or a good local restaurant for lunch and a few shops where we could purchase a cheongsam for our daughter or other traditional dress? We want to be authentic as possible."

To quote from the NYT piece (this being from someone who specializes in transracial adoption workshops):

"It is one thing to dress children up in cute Chinese dresses, but the children need real contact with Asian-Americans, not just waiters in restaurants on Chinese New Year. And they need real validation about the racial issues they experience."

F1 and Guitars

James Chiang is a childhood friend; our parents knew each other from way back in the day and for a brief spell, we both grew up outside of Boston as kids (my parents still call him Jimmy in fact). We lost touch for, well, decades, but ironically, we both ended up in the Bay Area in the 1990s; now we both live in S.F.

I barely have much of a memory of what James was like as a kid (I barely remember what I was like as a kid), but as an adult, I think he leads a fascinating life. I saw this because he's a professional photographer by day and his great hobby/passions are 1) F1 racing and 2) electric guitars. The last time I was at his loft in SOMA, he had at least a dozen or more mounted on his walls with an eye to both historical significance and design.

I mention all this because James is one of the few people I know who grew up under similar circumstances: oldest sons of immigrant Chinese parents, raised in middle class, education-first environments, blah blah blah but neither of us turned out particularly conventional (i.e. we're not dentists, attorneys or middle-management) and instead, pursue particular kinds of creative interests, almost obsessively (and likely to the considerable detriment of our bank accounts). It's just nice to have confirmation that not everyone follows the same path, or that it's strange if you detoured off it. For those of you who are children of immigrant Asian parents, you know what I'm talking about.

In any case, check out James' portfolio at his site: www.jameschiang.com