Our newest edition.

So many changes come along with bringing a baby into the house. We've done as much as we can to prepare and now with 40 weeks gone by, a new little bundle of responsibility has again been thrust upon us. We find ourselves having the same conversations we had when our first child was born. Challenges like breastfeeding, diapering and volatile sleep schedules will now plague us for the next several months. So many issues long forgotten now have to be revisited. I was surprised to find out that swaddling is no longer the tried and true approach when dealing with newborns. In fact, we even had some nurses recommend that we wrap the baby loosely to encourage free arm movement, a much different approach than just three years prior.

My wife and I have vowed to keep things a little more flexible and easy-going this time around. With our son things were regimented, scheduled and internet researched to death. I guess that's one of the dangers of being so connected, information is ubiquitous (too much of a good thing sometimes turns out to be less helpful). I've also vowed to myself that we'll be a little more adventurous with regard to our daughter's food experiences and language exposure; two things that haven't turned out exactly the way I planned for my son. Perhaps I'm just trying to make up for the small disappointments we experienced and the request for Grilled cheese sandwiches everyday just aren't cutting it for me. However things turn out I hope that we can learn from our mistakes and help to raise a well-rounded, kind, compassionate and confident human being.

The Kid Whisperer

So my brother recently alerted me to this recent NY Times piece about parents using techniques they learn from TV host Cesar Millan on their children. If you aren't familiar with Cesar, he's the man behind the mega popular National Geographic show "Dog Whisperer." So as you can see, the tips he's teaching on the tube aren't necessarily appropriate for junior.

A year before we became parents, we took in my 12-year-old border collie/lab mix Spaz. He had been at my parents house his whole life, and they were getting fed up with him. (Ya see, he was named "Spaz" for a reason.) Since my wife and I were devoted "Dog Whisperer" viewers, we figured we could practice Cesar's way (discipline, exercise, affection) to get Spaz to a more "balanced" place when he moved in with us. And lo and behold, after a couple months, the dog that had been a terror for over a decade became a well-adjusted pet. (Of course, his advanced age probably had something to do with it, too). Sometimes I wonder if our success in helping Spaz convinced us we could be good parents. So fast forward a couple years, and we actually had a toddler in the house who, while she isn't chasing her tail and barking at the neighbors, can give "old, crazy Spaz"a run for his money.

We sometimes joke about using some of Cesar's tricks (a la this excellent spoof courtesy of South Park) but didn't realize there were parents out there who actually practiced it. Are these the same parents who put their toddlers on leashes too? Coz taking dogs on walks (with a specially modified leash) is like the major takeaway from each DW episode.

I wonder, does it work the other way? Like, if my dog has an accident on the rug, can I put him on the naughty step a la Supernanny?

from the K5 blog

It's time for parent-teacher conferences for New York City parents. This video was forwarded to me by a parent in my son's class. While not Asian specific, I felt it offered some common sense advice for maximizing the adult learning potential in just 10 minutes.

I agree with the host. 10 minutes is not a lot of time but with a little preparation it might be just enough time.

If you are interested, here's a list of other things you can do in 10 minutes from Associated Content:

Ten Things You Can Do in 10 Minutes
You'll be amazed at what you can accomplish in just 10 minutes.
Read More

Kohn Head

[Cross posted at Cranial Gunk]

Whenever the subject of Asian parents and discipline comes up, I think of Russell Peters’ skit about his dad and spankings.

BigWOWO posted a reaction to Alfie Kohn’s article on “unconditional parenting.” As Daniel Willingham aptly points out, Alfie Kohn “has made a virtual industry out of finding interesting and provocative insights” on education and child development. On the Britannica blog (Yes, the encyclopedia people), the comments to Kohn’s reaction to Willingham’s reaction to his work is the best indication of how successful he is at what he does.

I don’t believe his critics. In fact, I agree with most of Kohn’s initial assertions. He’s right when he says that parents should love their children unconditionally. He makes a good point in his criticism of the Supernanny. Her solutions do seem superficial and temporary. And I do agree that homework for homework’s sake is counterproductive. The purpose of homework is to practice skills (both newly acquired and existing).

I like the ideas of student-directed curriculum and child-centered parenting. The former being the consideration of students’ interests and concerns in the application of classroom curriculum. The latter being the inclusion of the child’s voice in serious family decisions.

However, as practice they are flawed. Student-directed and child-centered approaches place premature burdens on the audience they seek to serve. Children do not yet have the life experiences for the cognition Kohn is demanding of them. In the case of the former, consistently appealing to a child’s interest does not provide him or her with the strategies needed to contend with moments of tedium or instances when other’s interests supersede his or her own. Without strategies for tedium, the child will most likely give up when a problem is too hard and he or she feels bored and frustrated.

In the latter, the child is thrown into a sink-or-swim situation. Without the prior experiences to navigate the nuances of social relationships or the powers at play, children can easily make potentially harmful decisions. Or they are simply expected “to know” without reasonable preparation or experience. It is the difference between asking a five year old: “Do you know why what you did was wrong?” and telling that five year old: “What you did was wrong because XYZ could have gotten hurt.”

Kohn was the daddy I wanted when I was 13. The permissive daddy who never shouted and never spanked. Who would coo and coddle me even when I failed my tests. My Baba is the daddy I am happy I got at 21. Unlike a Kohn Daddy, my Baba set down rules and helped me understand that rationality and morality were subjective. They rely heavily on a person’s cultural sensibilities and understanding of the world. And the world is often very Kafka-esque, possessed of a hermetic logic.

Now, a father myself, I have an even greater respect for the sacrifices my parents made for me. And I don't mean material sacrifices. I mean the emotional ones of denying me a car when I was a teenager because they knew I liked to go out and more often than not over do it in libations. I hated them at the time but now it's different. Now I have a context for the past. Now I realize that they made tough choices and placed themselves in the roles of villains because they were guarding my well being and nurturing my potential.

I believe our children depend on us to make decisions when they are either unprepared to or unwilling to. They depend on us as parents to willingly be the bad guys for their greater good. I am not a fan of “free range” parenting promoted by Kohn. And I can’t help wondering how many of the college students Assor, Roth, and Deci interviewed were culturally Asian. I bring culture up because I wonder if the interviewee's feelings of estrangement are consequences of something other than their failures or a lack of coddling.

“Gwoye Fan”

[Cross posted at Cranial Gunk]

When you make fried rice, you use rice that’s been in the fridge overnight (“gwoye faan” in Cantonese). You don’t use fresh rice right out of the cooker.

The other thing you don’t do when making fried rice is you don’t cook everything all together, all at once. I mean you can, but I’m pretty sure my Dad would give you his patented WTF-look. It’s not a look of anger or reproach. It’s more on the lines of “if you’re not going to do it right, please step out of my kitchen.”

It’s been so long since I posted to Rice Daddies that it didn’t feel right to repost or cross-post something from Cranial Gunk (my personal blog). Happily, other Rice Daddies have been composing some really thoughtful pieces and sharing some really interesting links. I tried to leave comments on the posts that really struck me, but had too much to say for just a line or two.

So here I am with my gwoye faan, my eggs, spring onions, and my Birds Eye Classic Mixed Vegetables, to make you some of my Dad’s “chaau faan.”

How do other Rice Daddies feel about Jon Gosselin? I think he is making some very foolish decisions right now in a belated effort to assert his identity and redirect the course his family has taken. I feel that a lot of unflattering reports are a result of his being a public figure without a savvy public relations team.

Obiwanhavanese posted about his anxieties regarding his son not learning his parents’ native language. I’ve also had the same fears. Currently, despite starting early with my eldest, we cannot say that he speaks Chinese. He remembers numbers and a phrase here and there but not well enough to actually use them with any automaticity.

However, it’s not his problem or his brother’s. It’s our problem, their mother and mine. The children want to learn but among the hindrances is the fact that neither their mother or I speak Mandarin (the Chinese that their mother and my parents say the kids should learn). Their mother speaks Vietnamese and I speak Cantonese. My parents (native Cantonese speakers) speak a little Mandarin but are not fluent enough to help the children learn. In fact, part of the problem is that my own Asian-born immigrant parents prefer to speak English to the children!

Malcolm Gladwell spends a good deal of Outliers speaking to the impact of “cultural legacy” in shaping success and Karen the Californian alludes to the social expectations of an Asian face mouthing Asian words. While I maintain my belief that learning Chinese is important for my children, I also acknowledge language is only one cultural transmitter. Language helps but there are other ways to perpetuate a cultural legacy.

In the opening of Jhumpa Lahiri’s The Namesake, a pregnant Indian woman living in Boston, combines

Rice Krispies and Planters peanuts and chopped red onion in a bowl. She adds salt, lemon juice, thin slices of green chili pepper, wishing there were mustard oil to pour into the mix… a humble approximation of a snack sold of pennies on Calcutta sidewalks.

There are differences between Asian culture and Asian American culture. Food is another cultural transmitter. Lahiri’s description of a woman’s attempt to recall her home country through a self-concocted recipe is an example of this difference.

Now let’s go back to Jon. Current circus aside, there was a painful episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 where he “teaches” his children about his culture. Jon’s mother is Korean (which brings up the interesting question – Why doesn’t he assume his father’s culture as his culture?)

I agree with Racialious, the episode was atrocious and upsetting because it promoted several Asian stereotypes. In this day and age, it is not outrageous to expect both Jon and Kate to be more racially sensitive. In the show, Jon talks to the camera about his “culture.” I wonder if he identifies himself as an Asian American or if the designation was put upon him by the show’s producers seeking to expand the show’s demographics?

Back to Obiwanhavanese’s dilemma, as Asian Americans how important is it for our children to speak our parent’s language? Do you think the Gosselin children will learn Korean? Does their father?

Assuming our children do not speak the ancestral “mother tongue” (it is a given that mine don’t because Mandarin is not my mother’s tongue) can what is lost be replaced by another cultural transmitter?

Part of the challenge of identifying yourself as Asian American is determining which is Asian and which is American? Identifying yourself as Asian American necessitates the establishment of new common “norms,” traditions, or practices that distinguish the categorization from identifying yourself as Asian.

Boy, Girl, Gay, Straight, I don't care...

Our second child was born yesterday, and upon learning that it was a boy, one family friend responded, "Oh, as the father, you must be pretty excited to finally have a son!"

I'm like, "What, do I look like some kind of meathead? I don't care if it's a boy, girl, gay or straight. As long as it's healthy and happy." (You can imagine how mortified my devoutly Catholic mother was to hear that.)

"Don't you at least want someone who will carry on the family name?"

"First of all, it's just a name," I replied. "Secondly, that's not even our real name."

"What's your real name, then?"

"I have no idea," I said. "No one knows."

"What do you mean? How could no one know?"

"See, most Filipinos will proudly explain that the reason they have a Spanish last name is because they had a Spanish ancestor, like a hundred generations back," I explained further.

"What, are you saying that you don't have any Spanish ancestors?"

"Probably, maybe some haciendero who took a servant as his mistress. But the real reason we have Spanish last names is because the Spanish colonial authorities got sick and tired of trying to figure out the indigenous surnames. So, back in the 1800s, they gave the natives a list of Spanish names to choose from."

"I had no idea."

On another note, I suggested giving the kid my wife's last name, since we named him after my late father-in-law. But my wife said it was bad enough that she never changed her name. She didn't want her in-laws a reason to resent her.

BENTO CROSSES OVER

What’s for Lunch? Enter the Bento Box, a Touch of Japan - NYTimes.com

This is a cute story but here's my sneaking suspicion...given that the NYT is one of the constant sources of anxiety for status-conscious, upwardly mobile parents/couples (and moms in particular), I just imagine this will set off a small wave of women thinking, "now I have to master making bentos for my kids/husband? FML."

Just saying.

BACK TO BIRTH ORDER

18 and Under - Birth Order - Fun to Debate, but How Important? - NYTimes.com

Speaking of Breakfast...

According to the New York Times, the country's largest food manufacturers are rolling out a new food-labeling campaign called Smart Choices, which is “designed to help shoppers easily identify smarter food and beverage choices.” And guess what made the list of so-called "Smart Choices"?

Froot Loops.



Eileen Kennedy, the president of the Smart Choices board -- and also the dean of the Friedman School of Nutrition Science and Policy at Tufts University -- has defended the labeling of this fluorescent breakfast treat as a healthy alternative to other products, telling the Times that Froot Loops is "better than other things parents could choose for their children."

I know what she means. There are far worse things to feed your kid, such as the KFC Double Down Sandwich, deep fried butter, Hydroxycut, rat poison, poo, etc.

But isn't that like saying we're going to give an Oscar Award to Vin Diesel just because others (e.g., Larry the Cable Guy, Justin Guarini, Willie Aames) are even worse actors?

Part of a Nutritious Breakfast

I don't know why, but I thought making breakfast for my kids would be easy.

My childhood breakfasts consisted of leftovers from the previous nights' dinner (invariably, Chinese food) -- my parents ignored my pleas for "normal" breakfast items like Froot Loops and Pop Tarts (both, I reminded my mom and dad, are part of a nutritious breakfast, goddammit). "When I grow up," I seethed, "I'm going to let my kids eat WHATEVER THEY WANT."

It's obvious now that I jinxed myself.

I start each morning with high hopes that my four-year-old will feel like eating something easy to prepare. And by "prepare," I mean "dump into a bowl."

He, on the other hand, approaches breakfast like a seasoned hostage negotiator. Or hostage-taker.

Crossing my fingers, I shoot first, with an all-too-cheery "How 'bout some cereal for breakfast?"

"What else do you have?" he fires back.

"This isn't a restaurant." I inform him. He stares at me blankly, expectantly -- a well-honed tactic to elicit an offer of a breakfast alternative. It works. "You can have toaster waffles," I add, reaching for the freezer.

"Nah. What else?" He adds a sweet smile. Cunning.

I roll my eyes. "Nothing else. That's all we got, buddy."

"Okay, then I won't eat anything."

That won't do; my wife would have my head. Conceding defeat, I mutter: "How about a scrambled egg?"

"OH-kaaay, but with toast. HALF a piece of toast. And not too crunchy -- it has to be kind of crunchy, but still a little soft. And I want to scramble the egg."

He does, and I cook it. I cut and toast the bread. I load it on a SpongeBob plate. It is as perfect as I can make it.

"Daddy, you didn't cut up my egg!"

I cut it to ribbony shreds with the edge of a fork, and set the plate down again. "Eat!" I command.

He sits and stares at his breakfast, expressionless, motionless. Finally, he sighs: "Nah. I'm not hungry." Pause. "I want a banana and some cheese. Cheddar cheese, not string cheese. You gave me string cheese last time, and I hate it."

As our early morning stalemate continues, our nineteen-month-old stands up, having wriggled free of his high chair restraining belt. He starts screeching and flicking Cheerios onto the floor, demanding fruit. "FWOOT. FWOOT. FWOOT." (This kid is, we've decided, a lacto-carbo-fruitarian: He ingests nothing but dairy products, simple white carbs and fruit. He disdains vegetables and meat; if we try to hide a speck of chicken or a pea under a spoonful of macaroni, he spits it out.) Finally, he settles for a few grapes, a sippy cup of milk, a piece of his brother's uneaten toast, and a handful of almonds.

His big brother, meanwhile, has finally eaten a couple of bites of his scrambled egg, and has devoured an entire banana. He's also munched on the Cheerios left on his baby brother's tray.

On the plus side, I suppose the kids are getting what they need for breakfast: "a combination of a healthy carbohydrate that offers fiber and a protein food." According to nutritionists, picky kids don't have to eat traditional breakfast items; rather:

Leftover beans and salsa or a grilled cheese and turkey bacon sandwich on whole-wheat bread with a piece of fruit on the side are other good choices; even leftovers of lean meat or chicken from last night’s dinner, along with toast and fruit, do the job. Nut-butter sandwiches are great if made with higher-fiber breads and low-sugar fruit spreads.

So guess who's having breadsticks, cream cheese and prunes tomorrow morning?